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Julius Malema
07-02-2010, 14:07
Ek sien hier is so paar Jokes al vertel, miskien kan ons 'n fred maak daarvan.

Ek sal begin deur die foto wat ek geplaas het...... en toe geban is!!!laughing

1354

Rob
07-02-2010, 17:37
Old one, but still a good one!

Julius Malema
07-02-2010, 18:23
Old one, but still a good one!

Ja maar jy verstaan nie!! Ek is laas geban oor die een, nou kan ek hom pos sonder vrees Twisted2 Hallo Simon!!Twisted2

Rob
07-02-2010, 18:39
Well dont worry, this is an open forum and will take alot more than just that to be banned!

Grietje
07-02-2010, 19:13
laughing

Julius Malema
09-02-2010, 10:16
Every morning when the English teacher came to the Afrikaans students to
give them an English lecture she greeted them as follows; "Good morning
class!" and every time only one boy would get up out of the whole class to
greet the teacher in return. This happened time and again until she decided
to call him up to her desk and ask him loud enough for everyone to hear:
"Why is it that every time I greet the whole class, only you stand up to
greet me?"

He replied to the teacher in English : " 'cause I is the only person here what's name are Klaas!"

Julius Malema
10-02-2010, 22:25
Wat se 'n mens vir iemand wat sopas jou voortande uitgeslaan het? JOU POETH!! Twisted2Laughing2

Ernie
10-02-2010, 22:41
Laughing2 Laughing2 Laughing2

Off Road Dawg
12-02-2010, 12:30
What is the difference between a wet dream and a western dream??



Western dream you wake up still shooting. Laughing2Laughing2Laughing2

Anima
12-02-2010, 12:34
Laughing2 Laughing2 Laughing2 Laughing2 Laughing2

BIG BLACK TJ
12-02-2010, 13:25
Laughing2Laughing2Laughing2Laughing2Laughing2Laugh ing2Laughing2Laughing2Laughing2Laughing2Laughing2L aughing2Laughing2Laughing2Laughing2Laughing2Laughi ng2Laughing2Laughing2Laughing2Laughing2Laughing2La ughing2Laughing2

Julius Malema
15-02-2010, 17:07
Tell me Daddy , what is the difference between "Potentially" and

"reality?"

Dad: I will show you.

Dad turns to his wife and asks her, "Would you sleep with Patrice

Motsepe for 1 million dollars?"

Wife: Yes, off course! I would never waste such an opportunity!

Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1

million dollars?

Daughter: Wow! Yes! This is my fantasy!

Dad turns to his eldest son and asks him, "Would you sleep with Tom

Cruise for 1 million dollars?"

Eldest son: Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million

dollars!

I would not even hesitate!

So the father turns back to his younger son saying:

"You see son, 'potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in

'reality' we are living with two hookers and a moffie!"

Ernie
15-02-2010, 17:41
Laughing2 Laughing2 Laughing2 Laughing2 Really a good one.

A.J.
15-02-2010, 19:54
LoL!!!

Woestyn Wolf
15-02-2010, 22:39
Laughing2Laughing2Good oneLaughing2Laughing2

Off Road Dawg
16-02-2010, 08:25
asshole's

Grietje
16-02-2010, 11:12
:d:d:d

Ernie
16-02-2010, 11:15
Laughing2 Laughing2 Laughing2 Laughing2

Off Road Dawg
16-02-2010, 12:34
AAADD
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.... ..PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

Ernie
16-02-2010, 13:16
Laughing2 Laughing2 Laughing2 Hulle se oud word is nie vir sisies nie.

Tosca
16-02-2010, 13:20
[QUOTE=Off Road Dawg;5889]AAADD
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS....
laughinglaughinglaughinglaughing

Off Road Dawg
17-02-2010, 07:37
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
laughing

Off Road Dawg
17-02-2010, 07:40
The dentist pulls out a Novocaine needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth.

'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

Ernie
17-02-2010, 07:56
Laughing2 Laughing2 Laughing2 Laughing2

Julius Malema
19-02-2010, 14:12
Groendakkies

Op 'n besoek aan 'n hospitaal vir verstandelik gestremdes vra 'n besoeker een van die dokters:.
"Wat presies is die kriteria wat bepaal of 'n pasint opgeneem word of nie? Die mense wat ons tot dusver hier gesien het, lyk vir my so normaal soos ek en jy."

"Wel," antwoord die geneesheer, "ons maak 'n bad vol water. Dan kry ons pasint 'n teelepel, 'n teekoppie en 'n emmer.
Ons s vir hom dit is 'n baie belangrike toets. Die spoed waarmee hy dit gaan afhandel, sal deurslaggewend wees.
Ons wys hom die stophorlosie wat gebruik word om die tyd noukeurig te bepaal en vestig ook weer sy aandag op die teelepel, die koppie en die emmer.
Hy word gevra om die bad so vinnig as moontlik leeg te maak."

"Mmmmmm . . . Ek verstaan," s die besoeker. " 'n Normale persoon sal die emmer gebruik, want dit is groter as die teelepel en die koppie."

Nee," s die dokter. "Enige normale persoon sal die prop uittrek. Wil jy 'n bed naby die venster h? "

ONTHOU NOU OM EERLIK MET JOUSELF TE WEES


HET JY DIE TOETS GESLAAG, OF SOEK JY DIE BED LANGS MYNE ??

Off Road Dawg
19-02-2010, 14:24
I want one of these

Off Road Dawg
19-02-2010, 14:56
asshole

Ernie
19-02-2010, 15:38
Laughing2Laughing2Laughing2Laughing2

Julius Malema
20-02-2010, 08:50
Gamat and his bra were out on an all night jol in Long Street. Being in the wee early hours of the morning and no busses running - the two were forced to take a rustige walk home to Mitchells Plain .

After a moerse lot of walking they eventually passed the bus depot.

Gamat, being the brains of the outfit - tuned his bra to jump over the fence and steal one of the buses so they can cruz home, while he watches out for the cops.

So the bra agrees and jumps over the fence. After a few minutes Gamat hears the loud sound a bus starting up, moving around a bit and switching off.

A minute later - on goes another bus, drives around and off again!! This continues for a good few minutes... Eventually Gamat rekons "fok dit - this bra is mos taking me for a blerrie fool" and he decides to continue walking home. As he starts walking he hears a moerrrse crash!!!

His bra stops next to him with the bus and tunes him jump in!!!! Gamat asks him, pissed off like all hell, " WAAAAT DE FOK HET DJY GEDOEN DAAR?????????"

To which he replies, "JINNE MY BROE, WIET JY HOEVEEL FOKKEN BUSSE EK MOES UIT DIE FOKKEN WAY TREK OM BY DIE MITCHELLS PLAIN BUS TE KOM!!!!!!!"

Off Road Dawg
23-02-2010, 16:38
A young Chinese couple get married.
She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband, a local Chinese cook, undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, " I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls.. Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You wan.... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

Off Road Dawg
23-02-2010, 16:49
*FARMER VS LAWYER*
*A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra . He shot a bird but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in this country and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will power and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Julius Malema
23-02-2010, 20:21
Hulle s n mens praat nie oor jou huweliks probleme met vreemdelinge nie. So ek het besluit ek skryf maar liewers daaroor, en as hierdie storie , soos Joost se boek net een man kan help het ek my doel bereik.

Elkgeval om n kort storie lank te maak gaan ek by die begin, begin.

Ek het n sout van die aarde, kerk mens getrou die tipe mens met wie jy n langpad kan loop, n graad R onderwyseres, n sagge aarde Namakwa bloeiseltjie. Min het ek geweet daai bloeisel kan verander in n kaktus na 2 jaar van huwelik.

Elkgeval soos met meeste struwelinge in n huwelik begin dit gewoonlik met jou vriende en my vriende. Ek kry toe mos nou gister n oproep van my vetplantjie wat s ons gaan vanaand baba kyk, nou kyk baba kyk is nie hoog op my lys van lekker dinge nie, veral nie as dit volksvreemde mense is nie. Elkgeval ek noem toe so saggies dat ek dit nie kan maak nie en die volgende oomblik word daar n selfoon in my oor neer gebliksem. Nou ek het nie gedink n mens kan n selfoon soos n ou huisfoon gooi nie, maar fokweet mamma is toe so moerig ek hoor eintlik hoe tref hy die Renault se dashboard. So besef ek mamma bestuur en praat op die selfoon en raak sommer lus en rapporteer die krimineel, maar wat ek eintlik gedink het was, wat gaan daai dashboard nie kos om reg te maak nie? Sien vorige Renault storie.

Nou ek is ook nie n week getroud nie en ken mamma se kak en stuipe, eers kry ek die silent treatment sy dink dit is n straf maar dit is eintlik moer rustig.

Toe dit nie werk nie, kry ek die koue skouer en die sarkasme nou as jy regtig jou vrou wil befok maak dat sy die mure uitklim dat moet jy maak asof jy nie die sarkasme verstaan nie en neem dit ernstig op. Sy het toe gedink ek gaan ingee en saamgaan om vrede te bewaar en haar , haar sin gee, maar toe nie. Toe sy besef ek gaan nie saam nie, trek daai bo lippie styf soos iets in spasme, en jy moet weet as daai lippie styf trek, trek die ander 2 toe soos n plastiek speel pop se parra.

Maar so staan ek mos nie bakhand vir die wolscooter nie en ek besluit om aan te gaan met my lewe. Terwyl sy na n dag oue baba deur n venster gaan kyk van mense wat ons 1 keer in 2 jaar sien. Goeie tye!
Elkgeval sy kom toe eerste by die huis en bel om te hoor waar ek rondloop? Ek verduidelik ek is by die winkel en kom nou! Koop nogal ewe n coke en sweetie-pie vir haar om te wys ek gee om en is n millennium man. Nie dat ek bang is nie

Elkgeval toe ek daar inkom kry ek steeds die stywe lippie, en daar is niks gemaak om te eet nie. Dit is mos die ander straf die ek staak huiswerk omdat ek nie my sin gekry het nie. Maar my hande is nie rond nie en ek maak vir myself n toebroodjie. Toe sy sien die ek staak straf werk nie kom staan sy voor my en toe begin die kak. Die Naggg stadium, n gekerm en gekla tot in alle ewigheid. Die bybel praat van n vlamme hel, ek se kak storie, As daar n hel is sal dit wees waar jy sit met 7 vrouens wat gelyk sanik oor hoe n kak mens en man jy nou werklik is. Die ouens wat getroud is sal beter verstaan wat ek hiermee bedoel.

Maar so is ek mos nie n klip nie, en raak ook moerig en sommer vinnig, en besluit maar nou sit ek my voet neer. Verduidelik toe vir haar dat ek nie werklik minder kan omgee oor wat haar vriende van my dink, omdat ek nie gaan goo-goo, gaa-gaa het nie. En dat sy moet oor dit kom, of haar isues gaan afstap en my fokken uitlos. Maar fokken steeds hou sy nie op nie, en ek besluit maar nou is dit tyd om hand gemeen te raak. Nou, ek besef jy mag hulle mos nie meer slaan soos in die goeie ou dae nie, en ek bliksem toe maar n bord teen die kombuis vloer neer. Man die stukke het nog nie eens gaan stil l nie en sy gryp my beursie en pluk my 2de laaste R50 vir die maand daaruit en s sy gaan more n nuwe bord koop. Maar teen die tyd is ek al so liries befok en ek ruk sommer self my laaste R50 uit en s sy moet maar twee koop, en ek gryp nog n bord en mik-mik so na haar voete met n wille swaai beweging van my arm asof ek epilepsie fake. Sy skrik en koes koes so gelyk, want sy dink hoe gaan sy vir haar vriende verduidelik ek het haar toon met n bord gebreek. Maar met die wille aap dans van haar begin ek net te lag en besef hoe belaglik die hele affre nou eintlik is.

Fokken groot fout bra, jy lag nie vir n vrou wat kwaad is nie! Eers gryp sy die sleutels en gooi, maar sy mis my net net en gooi amper die agterdeur se venster uit. Toe gryp sy n liter coke, ek wou nog koes maar toe tref hy my net so links onderkant my penis se voorpunt so langs die knie. Sjoe! Dit was close. Maar die aanval stop toe nie daar nie en mamma storm die kombuis binne soos een van daai mal vrouens op Flavour Flave. So besef ek, maar shit, ek het myself in die kombuis vasgekeer, n groot fout.

En die dag voor dit het ons Ninja Assisans gaan kyk, nog n groot fout. Ek dog sy s dit was n kak fliek, maar sy het duidelik meer aandag as ek gegee in die bioskoop. Sy trek daar los met kaal hande, maar daai arms swaai asof sy 2 ninjakas met spykers in rond slinger. Ek focus en gryp haar om die polse om die aanslag te keer, maar fok weet, sy doen daai flying-kick-back-twist-ankle-grinder move en trap my op die bors so tussen die moobs man boobs. So skop my so hard, laat ek hik en op my gat gaan sit. Daar l ek in die kombuis so langs die Addis vullis blik tussen die stukke gebreekte bord wat my selektief sny soos ek probeer spartel om weg te kom van hierdie begeesterde bloeisel.

Vir n oomblik is ek in skok en dit voel soos n ewigheid wat ek daar l maar 2 sekondes later sien ek hier kom sy weer, maar die keer met n besem. Wragtig n fokken besem, ek het nooit gedink sy weet wat n besem is nie, maar sy weet hoe om met hom te slaan.

Ek het mos nou die dag national geographic gekyk en besluit om in n bondel te gaan l en maak asof ek dood is, maar dit het nie gehelp nie ek het steeds op my moer gekry. As dit nie was dat sy so onfiks is nie, was ek seker nou nog op die kombuis vloer tussen die splinters besig om pak te kry soos n bergie wat n fiets probeer steel het.

Toe alles kalmeer het, en die hond onder die bed uitkom en die kat van die kordyn raam afklim het ons wel lekker gelag oor die mannewales en vrede gemaak. Maar ja, die storie bewys dat jy wel mans kry wat soms n pakslae kry by mamma, ek het net nooit gedink ek sou een van hulle gewees het nie. Die blink kant van alles is dat ek nou slaap soos n baba, want ek weet as daar n inbreker kom gaan hy goed op sy moer kry. Hoop net hy breek eers n bord.

Groete
Eerlike Smous
Ps moenie vir my vrou s van die storie nie.

Off Road Dawg
25-02-2010, 10:52
Fantastic news from Japan. A total cure to stop AIDS.
I cannot read Japanese so here it is .

Ho Jo Fu Kin Ku Ki Tu

Off Road Dawg
25-02-2010, 10:53
Japanese has male and female text

That was the female version … the male translation from the internet is slightly different

Moe Nee Buk Nee

Off Road Dawg
25-02-2010, 10:54
Dankie Julius - dit het my dag gemaak - dink ek trap van nou af ook bietjie versigtiger!!!:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Off Road Dawg
26-02-2010, 15:51
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've got to be kidding' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

Rob
26-02-2010, 16:11
Old one, but still bloody funny!

Julius Malema
01-03-2010, 11:52
IRISH VIRGINITY TEST KIT

Paddy is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit. You need to buy a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see", you hit her with the shovel.

Ernie
01-03-2010, 11:58
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Grietje
01-03-2010, 12:18
Hulle s ‘n mens praat nie oor jou huweliks probleme met vreemdelinge nie. So ek het besluit ek skryf maar liewers daaroor, en as hierdie storie , “soos Joost se boek” net een man kan help het ek my doel bereik.

Elkgeval om ‘n kort storie lank te maak gaan ek by die begin, begin.

Ek het ‘n sout van die aarde, kerk mens getrou die tipe mens met wie jy ‘n langpad kan loop, ‘n graad R onderwyseres, ‘n sagge aarde Namakwa bloeiseltjie. Min het ek geweet daai bloeisel kan verander in ‘n kaktus na 2 jaar van huwelik.

Elkgeval soos met meeste struwelinge in ‘n huwelik begin dit gewoonlik met jou vriende en my vriende. Ek kry toe mos nou gister ‘n oproep van my vetplantjie wat s ons gaan vanaand baba kyk, nou kyk baba kyk is nie hoog op my lys van lekker dinge nie, veral nie as dit volksvreemde mense is nie. Elkgeval ek noem toe so saggies dat ek dit nie kan maak nie en die volgende oomblik word daar ‘n selfoon in my oor neer gebliksem. Nou ek het nie gedink ‘n mens kan ‘n selfoon soos ‘n ou huisfoon gooi nie, maar fokweet mamma is toe so moerig ek hoor eintlik hoe tref hy die Renault se dashboard. So besef ek mamma bestuur en praat op die selfoon en raak sommer lus en rapporteer die krimineel, maar wat ek eintlik gedink het was, wat gaan daai dashboard nie kos om reg te maak nie? Sien vorige Renault storie.

Nou ek is ook nie ‘n week getroud nie en ken mamma se kak en stuipe, eers kry ek die “silent treatment” – sy dink dit is ‘n straf maar dit is eintlik moer rustig.

Toe dit nie werk nie, kry ek die koue skouer en die sarkasme – nou as jy regtig jou vrou wil befok maak dat sy die mure uitklim dat moet jy maak asof jy nie die sarkasme verstaan nie en neem dit ernstig op. Sy het toe gedink ek gaan ingee en saamgaan om vrede te bewaar en haar , haar sin gee, maar toe nie. Toe sy besef ek gaan nie saam nie, trek daai bo lippie styf soos iets in spasme, en jy moet weet as daai lippie styf trek, trek die ander 2 toe soos ‘n plastiek speel pop se parra.

Maar so staan ek mos nie bakhand vir die wolscooter nie en ek besluit om aan te gaan met my lewe. Terwyl sy na ‘n dag oue baba deur ‘n venster gaan kyk van mense wat ons 1 keer in 2 jaar sien. Goeie tye!
Elkgeval sy kom toe eerste by die huis en bel om te hoor waar ek rondloop? Ek verduidelik ek is by die winkel en kom nou! Koop nogal ewe ‘n coke en sweetie-pie vir haar om te wys ek gee om en is ‘n millennium man. “Nie dat ek bang is nie”

Elkgeval toe ek daar inkom kry ek steeds die stywe lippie, en daar is niks gemaak om te eet nie. Dit is mos die ander straf “die ek staak huiswerk omdat ek nie my sin gekry het nie”. Maar my hande is nie rond nie en ek maak vir myself ‘n toebroodjie. Toe sy sien die “ek staak straf” werk nie kom staan sy voor my en toe begin die kak. Die Naggg stadium, ‘n gekerm en gekla tot in alle ewigheid. Die bybel praat van ‘n vlamme hel, ek se kak storie, As daar ‘n hel is sal dit wees waar jy sit met 7 vrouens wat gelyk sanik oor hoe ‘n kak mens en man jy nou werklik is. Die ouens wat getroud is sal beter verstaan wat ek hiermee bedoel.

Maar so is ek mos nie ‘n klip nie, en raak ook moerig en sommer vinnig, en besluit maar nou sit ek my voet neer. Verduidelik toe vir haar dat ek nie werklik minder kan omgee oor wat haar vriende van my dink, omdat ek nie gaan goo-goo, gaa-gaa het nie. En dat sy moet oor dit kom, of haar isues gaan afstap en my fokken uitlos. Maar fokken steeds hou sy nie op nie, en ek besluit maar nou is dit tyd om hand gemeen te raak. Nou, ek besef jy mag hulle mos nie meer slaan soos in die goeie ou dae nie, en ek bliksem toe maar ‘n bord teen die kombuis vloer neer. Man die stukke het nog nie eens gaan stil l nie en sy gryp my beursie en pluk my 2de laaste R50 vir die maand daaruit en s sy gaan more ‘n nuwe bord koop. Maar teen die tyd is ek al so liries befok en ek ruk sommer self my laaste R50 uit en s sy moet maar twee koop, en ek gryp nog ‘n bord en mik-mik so na haar voete met ‘n wille swaai beweging van my arm asof ek epilepsie fake. Sy skrik en koes koes so gelyk, want sy dink hoe gaan sy vir haar vriende verduidelik ek het haar toon met ‘n bord gebreek. Maar met die wille aap dans van haar begin ek net te lag en besef hoe belaglik die hele affre nou eintlik is.

Fokken groot fout bra, jy lag nie vir ‘n vrou wat kwaad is nie! Eers gryp sy die sleutels en gooi, maar sy mis my net net en gooi amper die agterdeur se venster uit. Toe gryp sy ‘n liter coke, ek wou nog koes maar toe tref hy my net so links onderkant my penis se voorpunt “so langs die knie”. Sjoe! Dit was close. Maar die aanval stop toe nie daar nie en mamma storm die kombuis binne soos een van daai mal vrouens op Flavour Flave. So besef ek, maar shit, ek het myself in die kombuis vasgekeer, ‘n groot fout.

En die dag voor dit het ons Ninja Assisans gaan kyk, nog ‘n groot fout. Ek dog sy s dit was ‘n kak fliek, maar sy het duidelik meer aandag as ek gegee in die bioskoop. Sy trek daar los met kaal hande, maar daai arms swaai asof sy 2 ninjakas met spykers in rond slinger. Ek focus en gryp haar om die polse om die aanslag te keer, maar fok weet, sy doen daai flying-kick-back-twist-ankle-grinder move en trap my op die bors so tussen die moobs “man boobs”. So skop my so hard, laat ek hik en op my gat gaan sit. Daar l ek in die kombuis so langs die Addis vullis blik tussen die stukke gebreekte bord wat my selektief sny soos ek probeer spartel om weg te kom van hierdie begeesterde bloeisel.

Vir ‘n oomblik is ek in skok en dit voel soos ‘n ewigheid wat ek daar l maar 2 sekondes later sien ek hier kom sy weer, maar die keer met ‘n besem. Wragtig ‘n fokken besem, ek het nooit gedink sy weet wat ‘n besem is nie, maar sy weet hoe om met hom te slaan.

Ek het mos nou die dag national geographic gekyk en besluit om in ‘n bondel te gaan l en maak asof ek dood is, maar dit het nie gehelp nie ek het steeds op my moer gekry. As dit nie was dat sy so onfiks is nie, was ek seker nou nog op die kombuis vloer tussen die splinters besig om pak te kry soos ‘n bergie wat ‘n fiets probeer steel het.

Toe alles kalmeer het, en die hond onder die bed uitkom en die kat van die kordyn raam afklim het ons wel lekker gelag oor die mannewales en vrede gemaak. Maar ja, die storie bewys dat jy wel mans kry wat soms ‘n pakslae kry by mamma, ek het net nooit gedink ek sou een van hulle gewees het nie. Die blink kant van alles is dat ek nou slaap soos ‘n baba, want ek weet as daar ‘n inbreker kom gaan hy goed op sy moer kry. Hoop net hy breek eers ‘n bord.

Groete
Eerlike Smous
Ps moenie vir my vrou s van die storie nie.

:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:
This just made my day!!!!!!!!!!1

Julius Malema
01-03-2010, 14:19
AFRIKAANS IS BETER”
Krisjan: "Goeie more. Maak vol met Super, asseblief."
Attendant: "How much?"
Krisjan: "Vol asseblief."
Attendant: "I only speak English Sir!"
Krisjan: "Noooo problem.... Good day to you, Sir. I currently feel a profound desire to replenish the propellant of my motorized vehicle. Therefore, I cordially request you to transfer, from your subterranean reservoir, a sufficient quantity of combustible fluid of the highest octane rating to fill the appropriate receptacle of the said means of perambulation to the brim."
Attendant: "Hau!" ?
Krisjan: "Do you have a problem Sir? I thought you said you spoke English?"
Attendant: "English..... that? she is not English!"
Krisjan: "My dear Sir, are you veritably attempting to insinuate that you do not even recognize the language which you allege to be your singular means of communication?"
Attendant: "Hau?"
Krisjan: "Let me attempt to elucidate in the most elementary terms your paltry grasp of the English vernacular is frittering away the time at my disposal, or, as I would put it, in a more civilized, intelligible language.... Dit is fokken duidelik dat jy FOKKOL van Engels weet. So, kry jou slapgat in rat en maak hierdie bliksemse kar se tank vol voordat ek hier uitklim en jou donner, want jy mors my donnerse tyd!!!!!!!!! Verstaan jy nou?!!"
Attendant: "Ja,Meneer. Vol,Meneer! Afrikaans is beter, Meneer!"

Off Road Dawg
01-03-2010, 16:21
The Buttocks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

Off Road Dawg
03-03-2010, 09:13
80 year old man: My 28 year old wife is pregnant, your opinion Doctor?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry grabs an umbrella instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, sees a lion, lifts the umbrella, pulls the handle and BANG... The lion drops dead!
Old man: That's impossible; someone else must have shot the lion.
Doctor: MY POINT EXACTLY!

Grietje
03-03-2010, 10:42
:smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing013:

Julius Malema
03-03-2010, 17:52
Skool

Die graad 6 juffrou vra vir die klas, "Watter deel van die mens se liggaam vergroot na tien keer sy normale grootte wanneer dit gestimuleer word?"
Niemand antwoord totdat Marie opstaan en s, "Juffrou mag nie sulke vrae vir graad sesse vra nie. Ek gaan my ouers vertel en hulle sal die hoof vertel en hy sal jou wegjaag."
Die juffrou ignoreer haar en vra weer die vraag.
Marie s vir die kinders om haar, "Sy gaan in groot moeiliheid wees."
Die juffrou ignoreer haar nog steeds en vra, "Wil niemand antwoord nie?"
Jannie staan huiwerig op en s, "Dit is die pupil van die oog."
"Baie mooi Jannie," s sy terwyl sy na Marie draai en voortgaan, "en vir jou jonge dame het ek drie goed te s. Eerstens het jy vuil gedagtes, tweedens het jy nie jou huiswerk gedoen nie, en derdens gaan jy eendag baie, baie teleurgesteld wees!!!!"

Off Road Dawg
04-03-2010, 08:12
Dear Boss!

Please take the attached picture and frame it in your office so you will know why I'm always late at work. I will be late again on Monday. (I am in that black car!!!)

Regards1863

Ernie
04-03-2010, 08:16
:smiley-laughing021: I guess I am lucky. I don't have traffic to work and back.

Off Road Dawg
04-03-2010, 11:57
N ou boesman kry n spieel in die veld,hy weetni wat dit is ni,skrik toe hy daarin kyk want die gesig wat hy sien,lyk nes sy oorlede pa. elke keer as hy na sy pa verlang kyk hy in die spieel en huil verdrietig...sy vrou wonder wat aangaan en gryp di spieel,sy kyk daarin en sien die lelikste vrou wat sy nog ooit in ha lewe gesien het. Sy skreeu vir ha man Jou gemors,is dit oor hierdie lelike vrou wat jy so tjank.

Off Road Dawg
04-03-2010, 11:58
An illnois man left the snowballed streets of chicago for a vacation in florida.his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.when he reached his hotel,he decided to send his wife a quick email...unable to find the scrap piece of paper in which he had written her email address on,he did his best to type it in from memory,unfortunately he missed one letter,and his note was directed to an elderly preachers wife whose husband had passed away only the day before,when the grieving widow checked her email she took one look at the monitor,let out a piercing scream and fall to the floor dead.at the sound,her family rushed to the room and saw this note on the screen-dearest wife,just got checked in,everything is prepared for your arrival tommorow i love you,your loving husband.P.S sure is hot down here.

Off Road Dawg
04-03-2010, 13:47
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said Ive got to take you in pal. Your are obviously drunk.Our wasted friend asked - Officer are ya absholutely sure Im drunk? - Yeah buddy Im sure said the copper. Lets go. Breathing a sigh of relief the wino said: Shank goodness I shought I was crippled.

Off Road Dawg
04-03-2010, 14:01
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look Towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.'

Ernie
04-03-2010, 14:44
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021:

Grietje
04-03-2010, 15:32
Jannie is in Gr.1 en sy Engelsjuffrou het probleme met hom.*

Jannie meen hy's te slim vir Gr.1 en wil na Gr.3 oorgeplaas word.

Sy suster is in Gr.3 en Jannie reken hy is baie slimmer as sy.

Die juffrou het genoeg gehad en vat hom na die skoolhoof.

Die hoof s hy gaan Jannie toets.As hy druip,bly hy in Gr.1.

Hoof:"Wat is 3x3?" Jannie :"9"

Hoof:"Wat is 6x6?' Jannie:"36"

So gaan dit aan totdat die juffrou die hoof vra of sy nie

Maar vir Jannie `n paar vrae in Engels kan vra nie Juffrou:"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Jannie :"Legs"

Juffrou:"What do you have in you pants that I don't have?"

Jannie :"Pockets"

Juffrou:"What starts with a c and ends with a t, is hairy,oval,delicious and contains a thin,whitish liquid?"

Die hoof vee die sweet van sy voorkop af

Jannie :"Coconut"

Juffrou:"What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?" Jannie :"Bubblegum"

Juffrou:"What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting downand a dog does on three legs?" Jannie :"Shake hands"

Juffrou:"Now I'll ask some 'Who am I sort of questions, okay?" Jannie :"Yup"

Juffrou:You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get
wet before you. Jannie :"A tent"

Juffrou: A finger goes into me.You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first

Die hoof lyk baie gespanne.

Jannie :"wedding ring"

Juffrou: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well I drip. When you blow me
you feel good. Jannie :"Nose"

Juffrou:I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Jannie
:"Arrow"

Juffrou: What starts with a F ends with a K that means a lot of excitement?
Jannie :"firetruck

*Die hoof s: Sit die klein bliksem in Gr.5*

*Ek het die laaste 10 antwoorde verkeerd gehad!!!!!!!*

Grietje
04-03-2010, 15:44
DIE VERHAAL VAN DRANK .
Eendag, lank-lank gelede het CAPTAIN MORGAN met sy THREE SHIPS ,
vanaf CAPE VELVET na CAPE TO RIO uitgevaar.
Hy kon nie met sy WHITE HORSE ry nie want hy het kwaai aan DRAMBUIE gely.
JOHNNIE WALKER het op die skip MAINSTAY met Kaptein RICHELIEU se dogter, BERNINI , (wie 'n lekker OLD BROWN SHERRY was), se PUSKIN gespeel.
RICHELIEU het vir JOHNNIE WALKER behoorlik met n BLOU SAMBUKA bygekom, hom aan die BOLS beetgekry en ge MARTELL tot die dood.
Die bemanning VAT 69 dae deur KLIPDRIFT, oor SWARTLAND,
verby WINDHOEK al langs SIMONSVLEI landgoed tot by CHIVAS REGAL se CASTLE, waar CHICOTO, die leeutemmer en KAHLUA, die diensmeisie,
JOHNNIE WALKER se lyk vir die sewentien LIONS gevoer het.
Na die skokkende gebeurtenis was die OUDEMEESTER en SQUADRON lelik die MAMPOER in, en was die WIT BLITZ los. Hulle blaas op hulle 100 PIPERS en net voor die BELLS lui, stort JEREPICO se mure inmekaar.
Vanaf die CASTLE stuur PRINCE CHARLIE 'n boodskap met 'n FISH EAGLE oor DRAKENSIG na KOOS WYE VOETE (KWV ) wat in 5TH AVENUE, JOHANNESBERGER bly.
Intussen sien FISH EAGLE 'n GOLD DUCK, kry 'n bonsende RED HEART en
land onmiddelik op haar DIMPLE TEQUILA. Met die noodlanding breek hy ongelukkig sy een HANEPOOT en beskadig sy SAKKIES .
Die forteinsoeker, ene HEINEKEN, gaan die bouvalle van JEREPICO binne,
opsoek na HUNTERS GOLD en SPICED GOLD en kom sy AMAROELA tee.
Meneer OHLSON, wat 'n BLACK LABEL van afkoms is, hou hom HANSA slim
(maar eintlik is hy net n DOM PEDRO), SNAPPS nie SMIRNOFF en J&B se storie nie en skree VIVA BERNINI!
Hierdie verhaal sal nooit in der ewigheid sy DOP of einde sien nie.

Ernie
04-03-2010, 15:46
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021: :devil:

Off Road Dawg
04-03-2010, 16:37
This is the most hilarious Joke I have ever seen

http://www.4x4community.co.za/forum/showthread.php?t=52676

Dirk - hope your heart can take it!!!

Rob
04-03-2010, 16:42
This is the most hilarious Joke I have ever seen

http://www.4x4community.co.za/forum/showthread.php?t=52676

Dirk - hope your heart can take it!!!

Admit it! You want your Jeep to look like that!!! :smiley-laughing021:

Ernie
04-03-2010, 17:42
It is a jeep thing :smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021:

Rob
04-03-2010, 18:31
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing013: :smiley-laughing013:

Off Road Dawg
05-03-2010, 08:00
Shit - I cannot find those mags anywhere - anybody know where I can source a set? (NOT!!! )

Ernie
05-03-2010, 08:08
Hu??

Grietje
05-03-2010, 08:20
Shit - I cannot find those mags anywhere - anybody know where I can source a set? (NOT!!! )


You can find them at www.tappidmags.com (http://www.tappidmags.com)

They even have coloured ones....and spinners!

Rob
05-03-2010, 08:21
Ernie, Dawg is looking for a set of 22 inch rims and super low profiles for his jeep.
Help him out please!!

Off Road Dawg
05-03-2010, 08:22
Hu??

In antwoord op Rob se opmerking hieronder

"Admit it! You want your Jeep to look like that!!! "

Ernie
05-03-2010, 08:39
OK. Ek is nog besig om wakker te word. Nou vang ek dit. Try www.autostyle.co.za Hulle het baie bling vir jou jeep. :smiley-laughing021: (seriusly hulle het baie nice stuff. Ek koop al my car audio/video equpment daar)

Off Road Dawg
05-03-2010, 09:37
Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure .

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles Black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his willy in one hand and His testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's Nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and Says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen Very, very closely..... .


' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ?

Julius Malema
05-03-2010, 17:21
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this
flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a
few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her
pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6
inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the
height and she gives us the length.

Ernie
05-03-2010, 17:58
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021:

Off Road Dawg
09-03-2010, 08:58
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr.. Smith about enlarging her breasts.
Dr Smith advised her 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!
To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs !
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had
forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she
stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby
doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'

'Yes I am.. How did you know?'



He winked and replied, "Hickory dickory dock...."

Grietje
09-03-2010, 11:14
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr.. Smith about enlarging her breasts.
Dr Smith advised her 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!
To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs !
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had
forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she
stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby
doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'

'Yes I am.. How did you know?'



He winked and replied, "Hickory dickory dock...."

:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Off Road Dawg
09-03-2010, 13:10
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her...
'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through
customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have
to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Rob
09-03-2010, 13:14
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021:

Off Road Dawg
09-03-2010, 13:17
Wat is die definisie van 'n "G string" vol blommetjies: 'n gelukkige parra in Namakwaland!

'n Man is soos 'n selfoon, het jy hom, is hy lastig. Soek jy hom, L hy iewers. Het jy hom nodig, is hy altyd pap .

Mans is half gemaak. Hulle het tieties sonder melk, vols sonder vere, eiers sonder doppe, sakke sonder geld en klokke sonder klank.

'n Vrou is soos 'n screensaver... Die prentjie verander onmiddelik as jy aan die muis vat!

3 Boetie boesmans loop in woestyn! Leeu kom agter bos uit! Oudste s klie klom klak' Middelste s 'klie klom gloot klak' Kleinste s 'klaar geklak'

Sannie en Jannie bad saam. Sannie: Jannie hoekom is joune so lank?
Jannie: Want liewe Jesus het myne uitgetrek en joune ingedruk! Sannie:
Jis hy moes dit baie hard getrek het! Tot jou niertjies hang uit!

Die serial killer en sy victim stap deur 'n donker, scary bos.
"Ek's bang", s die victim.
Die serial killer s: "Jy dink jy's bang, ek moet blerrie alleen terugloop!!"

Jannie vloek verskriklik. Dominee vra of hy nie bang is vir die duiwel nie.
Jannie: "Nee, Jy's die een wat moet worry. Jy praat mos elke Sondag kak van hom!"

Toyota SA het die tegniese fout gekry wat veroorsaak het dat so baie minibusse rol.
Die probleem l glo by die moer wat die stuurwiel vashou.

Ernie
09-03-2010, 13:25
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021:

Off Road Dawg
09-03-2010, 16:49
Imagine as jy 'n onderwyser is en jy kry so 'n opstel van een van jou leerders:
Arm, Armer, Moer-arm
Ons was moer-arm. Agt kinders. Daai tyd was ek in Std 2 en moes ons van daai glas bottelkies gom met die rooi proppie en rooi kwassie hę vir skool. My Ma het amper flou geval toe ek haar vra vir gom. "Waar dink hulle moet ons die geld vandaan kry?"
Maar natuurlik - Boere maak 'n plan. En Ma was nie stupid nie. Sy kon tot gom maak. Ruk daar flour uit, gooi suiker by en kook die spul op die stoof. Ek staan eenkant, baie impressed met my slim Ma. Laat dit toe effens afkoel en sit dit in 'n ou NCR Yeast Blikkie wat so bietjie verblyk was.
Ek was die enigste kind met 'n Yeast Blikkie op my tafel. Al die ander kinders het die regte bottelkies gom gehad. Ek het nie baie omgegee nie, want my gom was baie beter as hulle sin en het geplak soos Superglue nie kan plak nie!
So drie weke later, terwyl die biesies buite bewe van die hitte, sit ons klas in doodse stilte, besig met eksamen. Fokkit mense, een moerse ontploffing ruk die hele skool tot aandag. Daar trek my donnerse blikkie se deksel en hy agterna tot teenaan die sielieng. Dis net gom wat neerkom op ons soos 'n donnerstorm! Alles is wit. En dit stink ongelooflik - suurhol se moses! Ek't nog nooit iets in my hele lewe geruik wat so gestink het nie. Die Juffrou se brille is vol gom. Haar hare spierwit. Dit drup van haar af asof sy in 'n shower staan. Tot in haar kliewitch by haar tieties. Ek kon nie glo dat sy soos 'n beeld lyk nie.
Oral waar ek kyk in die klas is almal faaktap van die gom. Almal is wit en gil van die skrik. Ons boeke is faaktap. Ons klere is faaktap. Ons stink faaktap.
Juffrou wip toe haar gat en jaag ons almal uit en sę ons kan maar huis toe gaan. Van die kinders wat bus gery het se gom het goed drooggeword van al die gewag. Ek was woedend toe ek by die huis kom. My Ma het gedink dis 'n moerse grap en het haar dinges amper geskeur van die lag toe sy my sien EN ruik.
Die klaskamer moes uitgeverf word om van die suurholreuk ontslae te raak,maar ons kon dit nog vir weke dwarsdeur daai PVA ruik.
Ek was glad nie gewild nie. Niemand wou eers meer met my speel nie...
Dis nou wat gebeur as jy Moer-arm is!

BIG BLACK TJ
10-03-2010, 06:57
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing013:

Grietje
10-03-2010, 08:11
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It’s a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; “So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
She replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”

Rob
10-03-2010, 08:20
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021:

Off Road Dawg
10-03-2010, 09:58
Koos was walking through his veld one day when he spots some laaities
drinking water from his farm dam.

He shouts, "Moenie die f ****n water drink nie, julle poepholle, dis vol
f **** n kak en kolera - julle sal vrek!"

The main laaitie, wearing a youth league t-shirt says, "I'm Julius
Malema, and I refuse to speak your pathetic Boere language, you must speak English to
me!"

Koos replies, "Use both hands, Boet, you gets much more water into your mouth that way..."

Ernie
10-03-2010, 10:39
:smiley-laughing021: :devil:

Grietje
10-03-2010, 10:55
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Rob
10-03-2010, 15:25
Three pastors took a day off and decided to go fishing after a busy
Sunday. They agreed its so difficult preaching to people all the time and
no one preaches to them. Sitting by the river with little response from
the hooks one pastor thought of sharing his heart with others.. He said
"guys its rare to get such an opportunity to be among ourselves like this.
It would be good if we look into our lives and help each other with our
weaknesses".

They all agreed to this.

1. This pastor said "Gentlemen I need help! The people in my church give
a lot of money every week. I started taking little by little but now I
take a big chunk. I can't stop stealing from the church please pray for
me. The day they will find out I will be fired"!

2. Another pastor said "brothers your sins are better than mine! I have
slept with every woman in the church including married women. As I preach
my eyes hover over the congregation looking for the next prey. If this is
discovered people will not fire me, they will kill me!"

3. The last pastor's feet were shaking as they were talking. They thought
he had a big story to tell.
He stood up and said "My brothers my problem is gossip! I can't sit
anymore. I have to share your stories with other people! I will be back

The other pastors fainted.

Ernie
10-03-2010, 15:30
two canibals, a father and his son find a lovely young woman in the bush. The son looks to his father and ask " are we gona eat her?" the father looks to his son and say "NO. We can eat your mother"

Grietje
10-03-2010, 16:08
THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE


1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Grietje
10-03-2010, 16:09
Oom Koos gaan tandarts toe en s: "Luister ek wil twee tande laat trek en twee laat stop. Maar voor jy begin wil ek eers weet wat gaan dit kos."

Tandarts haal sy pen, boekie en sakrekenaartjie uit en werk die sommetjies uit.

Tandarts: "Oom,dit sal oom R4200.00 kos."

Oom Koos: "Nee seun, dis te veel man. Maar wys my eers wat het jy alles op daardie boekie geskrywe."

Tandarts: "Oom dit is R600.00 vir die verdowings middels."


Oom:" Nee nee nee, ons het nie sulke goed in ons tyd gehad nie, haal dit af. Wat is daar nog?"


Tandarts: "Dis die gereedskap wat ek moet gebruik, kos so R1000.00."

Oom: "Nee wat seun, haal dit af. Ons het sommer die draadtang gebruik in ons tyd. Waar is jou draadtang? Dan kan jy dit MOS gebruik."

Tandarts: "Ja Oom, ek het 'n draadtang. Sal net moet soek."

Oom: "Dis reg, jy moet dit soek. En wat is daar nog op jou boekie?"

Tandarts: "Dis die antibiotika en ander medisyne wat die pyn en infeksie wegvat, wat ook duur is."

Oom: "Nee, haal af. Hoekom gebruik julle nie sommer die brannewyn of mampoer soos wat ons gemaak het nie? Nou op hoeveel staan ons nou op die boekie?"

Tandarts: "Dis nog so R1100 Oom."

Oom: "Dit klink beter. S my, wanneer kan ek die ou vrou inbring?

Woestyn Wolf
11-03-2010, 21:10
Oom Koos gaan tandarts toe en s: "Luister ek wil twee tande laat trek en twee laat stop. Maar voor jy begin wil ek eers weet wat gaan dit kos."

Tandarts haal sy pen, boekie en sakrekenaartjie uit en werk die sommetjies uit.

Tandarts: "Oom,dit sal oom R4200.00 kos."

Oom Koos: "Nee seun, dis te veel man. Maar wys my eers wat het jy alles op daardie boekie geskrywe."

Tandarts: "Oom dit is R600.00 vir die verdowings middels."


Oom:" Nee nee nee, ons het nie sulke goed in ons tyd gehad nie, haal dit af. Wat is daar nog?"


Tandarts: "Dis die gereedskap wat ek moet gebruik, kos so R1000.00."

Oom: "Nee wat seun, haal dit af. Ons het sommer die draadtang gebruik in ons tyd. Waar is jou draadtang? Dan kan jy dit MOS gebruik."

Tandarts: "Ja Oom, ek het 'n draadtang. Sal net moet soek."

Oom: "Dis reg, jy moet dit soek. En wat is daar nog op jou boekie?"

Tandarts: "Dis die antibiotika en ander medisyne wat die pyn en infeksie wegvat, wat ook duur is."

Oom: "Nee, haal af. Hoekom gebruik julle nie sommer die brannewyn of mampoer soos wat ons gemaak het nie? Nou op hoeveel staan ons nou op die boekie?"

Tandarts: "Dis nog so R1100 Oom."

Oom: "Dit klink beter. S my, wanneer kan ek die ou vrou inbring?

:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Grietje
15-03-2010, 13:47
Die boer se enigste haan is dood en hy besluit om by die Kaapse mark te gaan kyk vir 'n plaasvervanger. Daar aangekom, kry hy vir Gatiep wat 'n haantjie te koop aanbied.
"Hierdie haantjie is soos Outsurance, hy dek alles" beduie Gatiep en die boer koop hom toe. Op die plaas word haantjie by die henne ingegooi en soos Gatiep beloof het, is die haantjie vreeslik gewillig en in 'n oogwink draf hy al die henne deur.
Toe die boer weer kyk, is hy by die eende, toe by die ganse, by die kalkoene en die boer is sommer baie in sy noppies met die kopie.
Maar die volgende oggend kom ou Simon by die boer en deel hom mee dat die haantjie dood l in die veld. Hy wys na waar die aasvols dan ook reeds al draai. Die boer is sommer baie hartseer, en hy en Simon stap soontoe om vas te stel wat met die haantjie gebeur het. Toe hulle naby kom, lig die haantjie sy kop op en fluister "Ek's okay. Ek wag net vir daardie f$##@& aasvols om te land."

Rob
15-03-2010, 13:52
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021:

Ernie
15-03-2010, 14:05
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing013:

Off Road Dawg
15-03-2010, 15:02
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Grietje
15-03-2010, 15:13
1958

Zuma trip to UK was succesful....

Grietje
15-03-2010, 15:16
1959

Julius Malema
16-03-2010, 08:31
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed
he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went
back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of
your collar.

Rob
16-03-2010, 08:40
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing013: :smiley-laughing013:

Ernie
16-03-2010, 08:41
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Rob
16-03-2010, 16:06
Hung Chow calls his work and says,”Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick.
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.”

The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I
go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
“I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got a nice house.”

Grietje
16-03-2010, 20:09
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Off Road Dawg
16-03-2010, 20:11
You ain't seen my bosses wife :frown:

Julius Malema
17-03-2010, 09:05
Two boys are playing cricket on a field in Durban , when one is attacked
by a vicious Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy took his cricket bat and managed to
wedge it down the dog's collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog's
neck and stopping its attack.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy.

"Young Sharks Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing
in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Sharks fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Durban , I just assumed you were," said the
reporter and starts again.

"Stormers Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack,..." he continued
writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Stormers fan either!", the boy said."

"I assumed everyone in Durban was either for the Sharks or Stormers. So
what team DO you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Blue Bulls fan", the child beamed.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

"Little F*cker from Pretoria Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Julius Malema
17-03-2010, 09:20
A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "excuthe me do you
have widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he is on her level and says "do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft
fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"
.

The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands
on her knees, leans forward and whispers, " I don't wealy fink my
anaconda gives a phuc."

Grietje
17-03-2010, 09:50
Two boys are playing cricket on a field in Durban , when one is attacked
by a vicious Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy took his cricket bat and managed to
wedge it down the dog's collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog's
neck and stopping its attack.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy.

"Young Sharks Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing
in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Sharks fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Durban , I just assumed you were," said the
reporter and starts again.

"Stormers Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack,..." he continued
writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Stormers fan either!", the boy said."

"I assumed everyone in Durban was either for the Sharks or Stormers. So
what team DO you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Blue Bulls fan", the child beamed.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

"Little F*cker from Pretoria Kills Beloved Family Pet."



:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Ernie
17-03-2010, 09:52
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Rob
17-03-2010, 10:52
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing013:

Julius Malema
17-03-2010, 11:40
Sou DSTV 'n porno kanaal begin, 'n moontlike kanaal kan wees KYK-SLET.
Hier is 'n voorlopige skedule.


18:00 Kanaal open


18:05 Tietie Walie: Bennie Broekwurm vermaak ons met sy manewales.


18:30 TolSport: Aangebied deur Joost en ’n moet vir elke bok vir sports.


19:00 Fok-ons met Freek: Freek du Pisani, die man wat bekendheid verwerf het vir sy bedvaardigheid, wys wat in hom steek. Of eintlik in ander mense.


19:30 My name is Pearl : Die meisie wat deur Karma, haar eks, ingeloop is en nou alles wil reg “doen”.


20:00 Noot vir ’n Stoot: ’n Realiteitsprogram oor die streke van prostitute, aangebied deur die man met die porno-snorretjie Johan Dmmit.


21:00 7de Slet: Suid-Afrika se eerste porno-sepie.


21:30 Boer soek ’n Hoer: Waar boere van oral oor nie ’n lewensmaat nie maar ’n bedmaat soek, aangebied deur Vatmaar Postma.

22:30 Binnebouders: Die smerige wedervaringe van inwoners soos Klitte, Jennifer Anus en Dr. At Fokker.


23:00 Who wants to be a Trillionaire: Die program waar jy jou vriend kan bel om ’n handjie by te sit.


24:00 Top Boning: Hulle kuier by porno-sterre soos Jenna Jameson se huise en daar word kos gemaak saam met die regte naked chef. Daarna is die gasvrou die nagereg.


01:00 Rolprente: Die Harry Totter-trilogie

Julius Malema
17-03-2010, 11:45
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that

Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer

who knows sign language.



The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."



The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."



The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the

shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"



The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Ernie
17-03-2010, 12:29
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021: Dit is jammer ons gaan nie 'n KYK SLET kry nie

Grietje
17-03-2010, 14:13
:smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing013:

xjstevie
17-03-2010, 14:20
:smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing013:

xjstevie
18-03-2010, 15:12
JUST FRED


A cop stops a Jeep for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the Jeeper his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the Jeeper a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The Jeeper replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS..

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

xjstevie
18-03-2010, 15:15
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her."

xjstevie
18-03-2010, 15:18
MENS TOOLS...

All of these are known to women as "whatchamacallit" and "thingie", but it's good to have the proper definition of what the whatchamacallits actually are.....
________________________________________
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, piles!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge..

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips Twisted Lazer Kitty heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a she-dog TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a she-dog" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Ernie
18-03-2010, 15:27
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021:

Rob
18-03-2010, 15:44
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021:

I needed a laugh today! :thumbsup:

Grietje
19-03-2010, 11:29
Illegal Drag Racing


1977

Rob
19-03-2010, 11:40
:smiley-laughing021:

xjstevie
19-03-2010, 14:42
Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says:
"Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"
Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?"
he asks. She answers:
"Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one tiny little sausage?"

Julius Malema
20-03-2010, 21:30
Een oggend na pouse toe die sub-b klas terugkeer vind die juffrou iemand
het gebollie op die vloer voor die swartbord. Na 'n lang gegiggel kry sy
die klas om te kalmeer en vra wie dit gedoen het. Niemand antwoord nie.


Sy vra toe vir al die kinders om op hulle arms te l en dan maak sy ook so.
Die een wat die bollie gelos het moet dan vorentoe stap, dit optel en
"jammer klas" op die bord skryf. Sy belowe dat sy ook nie sal kyk wie dit
is nie.


Na so 2 minutes met almal se koppe op hul arms hoor die juffrou hoe iemand
se stoeltjie stadig uitskuif, voetstappe tot by die swartbord, 'n gegriffel
met kryt, 'n gewoel op die vloer, voetstappe terug en 'n stoeltjie wat
terug skuif.


Met hoop maak sy haar o oop en kyk met skok na die vloer na 'n vars tweede
drol.


En op die bord staan: "Die skim k@k weer".

Grietje
20-03-2010, 22:47
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Woestyn Wolf
20-03-2010, 23:07
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing021:

Julius Malema
22-03-2010, 12:14
Minibus taxi's are now known as computers in the new SA. They all have windows, They can crash at any time And most of them are driven by a floppie with a virus.

Julius Malema
22-03-2010, 12:24
Jannie, Pietie en Gawie stry oor wie se ouers die bangste is.
Pietie:
My pa is so bang, as die weer opkom dan gaan kruip hy weg onder die bed.
Jannie:
Dis nog niks, my pa is so bang, as my ma nagdiens werk, gaan slaap hy by die bediende.
Gawie:
My pa EN ma is weer bang vir cartoons. Hulle sit die cartoons vir ons op dan hard...loop hulle kamer toe,
maak die deur toe, spring onder die komberse in en l daar en bewe.

Randy
24-03-2010, 11:21
Weet julle smiley-laughing021:

Grietje
24-03-2010, 16:11
WORD OF THE DAY

FOCUS.




When you are annoyed with someone tell them to FOCUS

(F--k Off Cause U’re Stupid!)

Rob
24-03-2010, 16:17
I just got that via email as well!!! Brilliant!! :smiley-laughing021:

Grietje
25-03-2010, 09:05
Advice from a life guard

Brad, a local beachgoer, couldn’t even get a second look from any of the girls on the beach. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.
"Dude, it’s obvious," said the lifeguard. "You’re wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You’ll have all the babes you can handle."
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it’s not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.
"For cryin’ out loud," said Brad, "it’s worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What’s wrong now?"
"Jeez, Brad!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"

Rob
25-03-2010, 09:40
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021:

Grietje
25-03-2010, 14:26
DISAPPEAR







1987

Ingeval julle nie geweet het nie....

Ernie
25-03-2010, 14:28
Dis nice :smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021:

Randy
25-03-2010, 14:46
Advice from a life guard

Brad, a local beachgoer, couldn’t even get a second look from any of the girls on the beach. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.
"Dude, it’s obvious," said the lifeguard. "You’re wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You’ll have all the babes you can handle."
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it’s not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.
"For cryin’ out loud," said Brad, "it’s worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What’s wrong now?"
"Jeez, Brad!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"

Sy naam daarna was SEKER BUTT SPUD of so iets, nou lekekr gelag, dankie Grietje:smile:

Julius Malema
25-03-2010, 20:28
Ek het hierdie op 'n ander forum raak gelees, hier is 'n les in:

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made. The next day Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.

Grietje
26-03-2010, 07:46
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Grietje
26-03-2010, 08:46
Die jaar is 1991 en die 80s is nog vars in die geheue. Meeste laerskool kinders het nie n fokken clue wie Nelson Mandela is nie en bomber jackets is pis cool.
Ek was op daai stadium in Std 3 (graad 5 vir die nuwe SA.) en my broer het my pa se geld gemors by Tegnikon Pretoria. Sy een tjommie, Bennie (dis n fake naam,) was blykbaar daai tyd al gatvol vir die crime want ou Bennie het sommer sy eie anti-theft device ontwerp, gebou en in sy mini geinstalleer. Hierdie anti-theft device was basies een van daai ou Rambo messe wat onder die drywer se sitplek gemount was met een of ander moerse spring wat dan die mes deur die seat steek as jy gaan sit. Bennie het dan net elke keer hierdie hol oopkloof apparaat geaktifeer as hy uitklim en dan weer gedeaktifeer voor hy weer inklim.
Die een aand gaan Bennie toe n bietjie disco toe om vir almal sy piele moves op Belinda Carlisle te wys. Ek was nog effens te jonk vir jol daai jaar so ek weet nie waar dit was nie, maar dit moes erens soos Limelight of Sterland of n ander tappit plek in Snor City wees. Die Brannas het mooi geloop die aand en Bennie het vir die 1ste span gesuip. Hy strompel toe in die vroeg oggend ure terug kar toe en te fokken dronk om regop te staan vergeet hy van sy rektum destroyer device onder die sitplek. Die Anus verwoestings apparaat werk toe beter as wat Bennie ooit in sy wildste drome kon droom. Die lem het n pad boontoe oopgeskiet en Bennie se nul was ewe skielik n minus. Na die initial skok en nugter skrik wou hy uitklim maar dit was ook nie so maklik nie want jy kan maar vir enige moffie vra en hy sal vir jou se dat jy reguit boontoe van n paal afklim en nie kant toe nie.
Bennie was hospitaal toe en n paar goeie snydokters later het sy kak nie meer soos n fax uitgekom nie. Hy het vir n paar weke mank geloop en hy kon nie lekker sit nie maar alles het toe weer genees.
So, as jy weet jy gaan gesuip in jou kar klim, moenie gaan vir die bottle brannas met gif in of die lem onder die seat of die spykers wat in jou kniee inskiet as jy die kar start opsies nie. Vat maar eerder jou kar vir daai ander mense lat hulle vir jou n gearlock of iets insit.

Ernie
26-03-2010, 09:43
Those were the days :smiley-laughing021:I still remember the bomber jacket thing :smiley-laughing021:

Grietje
29-03-2010, 14:17
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first
person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers
"241." "Excellent!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand
Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much
to discuss!"

Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your
IQ?" To which the lady answers, "144." "Great!" responds Albert. "We can
discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another gentleman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which
the man answers, "16."
Albert responds, "En toe: Hoe gaan dit met die Blou Bulle?"

Ernie
29-03-2010, 14:32
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Woestyn Wolf
29-03-2010, 23:18
Ja mens hoef nie baie slim te wees om vir die wenspan te skree nie, maar ek wonder darem hoe slim dit is om agter die losers te staan??:avid:

Woestyn Wolf
29-03-2010, 23:41
A man was talking to his daughter one day. She was a typical four year old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. Out of the blue she asked her dad to explain what marriage was.

So Dad explained. But when the young girl appeared to be having difficulty grasping the concept, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking perhaps visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, and the reception.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said. "Is that when Mommy came to work for us?"

Woestyn Wolf
29-03-2010, 23:59
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Grietje
30-03-2010, 07:31
:smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing013:

Grietje
30-03-2010, 08:41
So kort voor die runderpes in Namakawaland is daar 'n oom en antie. Hulle het kinders by dosyne. By die geboorte van die laaste een waarsku die dokter dat die antie se masjienerie nie meer so lekker is nie en dat sy bes moontlik nie nog 'n geboorte sal oorleef nie. Die oom en antie skrik, want hulle is lief vir mekaar en wil nou nie sommer moedswillig die antie laat dood nie. Nou slaap hulle apart op sulke ysterkateltjies, maar die ongedurigheid broei in hulle. Een nag l die oom wakker en hy hoor die antie se kateltjie kraak en kreun soos sy rondrol. Na 'n rukkie is dit stil en hy kyk na haar, net om te sien dat sy hom met groot o beloer.
"Jy keek vi my,"s hy.
"Ja,"s sy,"ek keek vi jou. "
"Nou maar hoekom keek jy vi my?" vra hy. "Ek dink" s sy.
"Nou maar wat dink jy so innie laatnag?" vra hy.
"Ek dink jy moet my maar die doodskoot kom sjee"

Julius Malema
30-03-2010, 14:39
Financial systems

A NAMIBIAN CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* You make biltong...

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
* You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* You go on strike because you want three cows.
* They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime and steal someone else's
cows and shoot their owner.

A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION
* A farmer has two cows.
* You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international
community to supply more.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
* You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them
World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* Both are mad.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* You pray to them for food.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
* You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
* You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* You count them and learn you have five cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
* You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
* You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
* You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* You have 300 people milking them.
* You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported the numbers.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* The one on the left is kinda cute...

Ernie
30-03-2010, 14:58
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Randy
30-03-2010, 15:03
Weet se mens vir 'n lamp paal in Frans?:devil:

Randy
30-03-2010, 15:04
FoKK0L, jy stap net verby.....:new_cussing:

Ernie
30-03-2010, 15:05
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Grietje
30-03-2010, 17:56
:5moulin::smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing013:

Randy
01-04-2010, 13:23
Julius Malema receives a coded message from a Farmer. It reads:


S30d - 0773H



Julius was stunned. He called the YOUTH LEAGUE, CIA and FBI, but not one of
them could crack the code.
Finally, He calls Koos Van der Merwe, Superintendent - Intelligensie Eenheid (Intelligence Unit).
Koos's reply was quick and to the point......


"You're holding the paper upside down!"

Grietje
01-04-2010, 14:17
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Julius Malema
01-04-2010, 18:58
Julius Malema receives a coded message from a Farmer. It reads:


S30d - 0773H



Julius was stunned. He called the YOUTH LEAGUE, CIA and FBI, but not one of
them could crack the code.
Finally, He calls Koos Van der Merwe, Superintendent - Intelligensie Eenheid (Intelligence Unit).
Koos's reply was quick and to the point......


"You're holding the paper upside down!"

Ek voel in die gesig gevat? my prokereur sal met jou inverbinding tree. Sien jou in die hof Boertjie!!!!:asshole::smiley-laughing013:

Grietje
01-04-2010, 20:43
Ek voel in die gesig gevat? my prokereur sal met jou inverbinding tree. Sien jou in die hof Boertjie!!!!:asshole::smiley-laughing013:


HKGK!:icon_twisted:

Grietje
01-04-2010, 20:56
46 burning questions...

1. If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
2. Can you cry under water?
3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
4. Why do you have to put your "two cents in"… but it’s only "a penny for your thoughts?". Where’s that extra penny going?
5. Once you’re in heaven, are you stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
6. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
7. What disease did cured ham actually have?
8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called "a hearing?"
11. Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
12. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and, then, put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
13. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
14. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
15. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
16. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
17. If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
18. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
19. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
20. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
21. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
22. Do "the Alphabet song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?
23. Why did you just try to sing these two songs (above)?
24. Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
25. Did you ever notice that, when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
26. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
27. Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?
28. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
29. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
30. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
31. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
32. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
33. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp?"
34. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
35. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
36. Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
37. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
38. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
39. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
40. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
41. When we are in the supermarket, someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, and then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It’s all right?" Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, "That really hurt. Why don’t you watch where you’re going?"
42. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
43. In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
44. Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE…
45. The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends – if they’re okay, then it’s you.
And finally.
46. Don’t you ever wonder why you gave me your email address in the first place?

Julius Malema
01-04-2010, 21:43
There was a chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard.

Suddenly the horse falls into a pit.

He yells to the chicken, "Go get the farmer, save me, save me !!!! “

The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him.

So he gets the farmer's Cruiser and drives it over to the mud pit,
lassos the horse, ties it to the car and pulls him out.

The Horse says, "Thank you, Thank you, I owe you my life…”

Then a couple days later they're playing again and this time the
chicken falls into the mud pit and the chicken says,
"Help me Help me!!! Go get the farmer!!!"

So the horse says, "No, I think I can get you."

The Horse stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken,

"Grab onto my Willy."

The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, and the
horse Saves the chickens' life.

So whats the moral of the story ?????

If you have a willy the size of a horse then you don't need
a Cruiser to pick up chicks...

Julius Malema
01-04-2010, 21:44
There was a chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard.

Suddenly the horse falls into a pit.

He yells to the chicken, "Go get the farmer, save me, save me !!!!

The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him.

So he gets the farmer's Cruiser and drives it over to the mud pit,
lassos the horse, ties it to the car and pulls him out.

The Horse says, "Thank you, Thank you, I owe you my life

Then a couple days later they're playing again and this time the
chicken falls into the mud pit and the chicken says,
"Help me Help me!!! Go get the farmer!!!"

So the horse says, "No, I think I can get you."

The Horse stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken,

"Grab onto my Willy."

The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, and the
horse Saves the chickens' life.

So whats the moral of the story ?????

If you have a willy the size of a horse then you don't need
a Cruiser to pick up chicks...

Grietje
01-04-2010, 22:02
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Julius Malema
06-04-2010, 20:36
Die ou is in Weskoppies omdat hy 'n obsessie het oor ketties. Na 6 maande
besluit hulle om hom te her-evalueer en vra "wat sal jy doen as jy 'n
miljoen rand wen?

"ek sal vir my 'n k*khuis vol ketties koop" s hy.
"Nee, jy's mal, moer hom terug in sy padded sel" laat die sielkundiges weet.

6 Maande later evalueer hulle hom weer. "Wat sal jy doen as jy 'n miljoen
rand wen ?" is die vraag weer " Ek sal dit bel" s hy.
"Mooi, ek dink jy kom reg, in wat sal jy dit bel ?" vra hulle. "In bosbou
en Goodyear sodat ek baie hout en rubber kan kry sodat ek baie ketties kan
maak !".. "Terug in sy sel!" antwoord die sielkundiges.

Weer sulke tyd 6 maande later en weer is die vraag, "wat sal jy maak as jy
'n miljoen wen ?", na hy so 'n tydjie diep dink, s hy :

"Ek sal vir my 'n Porche koop"
"En dan ?"
"Dan sal ek rondry en vir my 'n hot girl optel"
"Jis, jis en dan ?"
"Dan sal ek haar wine en dine"
"Nee, lyk vir my jy's gesond, maar vertel verder wat jy beplan?"
"Dan sal ek haar huis toe vat en bietjie begin vry"
"Ja, en dan ?"
"Dan sal ek haar pantie uittrek"
"Ja, ja en dan ?"
"Dan sal ek die rek uit die pantie haal en vir my 'n "FOKKENNNN" kettie maak!"

Grietje
06-04-2010, 21:03
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Julius Malema
07-04-2010, 21:40
Gatiep was ses maande lank op die see. Die oomblik toe hy in die Kaapstadse hawe voet aan wal sit, sien hy Meraai en doen 'n transaksie (ja, man, daai soort transaksie!) met haar. Die volgende dag is hy terug see toe. Toe hy uiteindelik weer op land is, loop hy weer vir Meraai raak, en sy word sommer baie vriendelik to...e sy hom sien, maar hy is woedend. "Jy het my laas crabs gegee, Meraai!!" "So? Wat het jy dan vir 15 rand verwag? Prawns?

Julius Malema
07-04-2010, 21:42
Juffrou tydens sexvoorligting: Luister maatjies, die lewe en die liefde werk so. Alle seuntjies is met sleuteltjies geskape en dogtertjies met slotjies geskape. Daar is wel net een sleutel vir elke slot, dis net oom Steve en oom Joost wat met lopers geskape is

Julius Malema
07-04-2010, 21:43
Kallie en Mike praat oor skooldae...Kallie vra" wat was jou beste vak op skool?..Mike s : " So 'n klein rooi koppie in St 6.!"

Julius Malema
07-04-2010, 21:45
Daar is by Julius Malema se huis ingebreek. Hy is nou so hoog die hel in want 3 van sy boeke is gesteel waarvan 2 klaar ingekleur is.

Julius Malema
09-04-2010, 12:32
Hoe klink dit as 'n Mini Cooper oor 4 skool kinders jaag? JUB JUB!!!!!

xjstevie
10-04-2010, 12:23
Anger Management



When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take

it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on

someone you don't know.



I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to

make. I dialed what I thought was Robyn's number A man answered, saying,

"Hello."



I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn?"



Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "There's no Robyn here. Get

the right f**king number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.



I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down

Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally

transposed the last two digits.



After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a??hole!" and

hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a??hole' next to it, and

put it in my desk drawer.



Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,

I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a??hole!"



It always cheered me up.



When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "a??hole

calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this

is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with

our Caller ID Program?"



He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.



I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a??hole!"



One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.



Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had

patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting

for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in

his back window, which included his phone number, so I wrote down the

number.



A couple of days later, right after calling the first a??hole (I had his

number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW a??hole,

too.



I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"



"Yes, it is," he said.



"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.



"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd., in Ventura. It's a yellow house, and

the car's parked right out in front."



"What's your name?" I asked.



"My name is Don Hansen," he said.



"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"



"I'm home every evening after five."



"Listen, Don, can I tell l you something?"



"Yes?"



"Don, you're an a??hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my

speed dial.



Now, when I had a problem, I had two a??holes to call. Then I came up

with an idea. I called A??hole #1.



"Hello."



"You're an a??hole!" But I didn't hang up.



"Are you still there?" he asked.



"Yeah," I said.



"Stop calling me," he screamed.



"Make me," I said.



"Who are you?" he asked.



"My name is Don Hansen."



"Yeah? Where do you live?"



"A??hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd in Ventura, a yellow house, with my

black Beamer parked in front."



He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start

saying your prayers."



I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a??hole," and hung up.



Then I called A??hole #2. "Hello?" he said.



"Hello, a??hole!" I said.



He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."



"You'll what?" I said.



"I'll kick you're a??," he exclaimed.



I answered, "Well, a??hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right

now."



Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at

34 Mowbray Blvd, Ventura, and that I was on my way over there to kill my

gay lover.



I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just

in time to watch the two a??holes beating the crap out of each other

in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter, and a news crew.



NOW I feel much better.

xjstevie
10-04-2010, 12:44
President Zuma meets with the Queen of England He asks her,
"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Zuma frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and Father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back in Cape town , President Zuma asks to speak with Julius Malema.

"Answer this for me. Your mother and your Father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Julius. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Julius goes to his advisors and asks everyone, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up at the V&A Waterfront and bumps into Mark Lottering.

Julius looks around to see if anyone can overhear them, and he whispers, Mark! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"

Mark whispers back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Julius smiles and says "Thanks!"

Julius goes back to Parliament to speak with Pres Zuma.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Mark Lottering."

Zuma gets up, stomps over to Julius, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair

Ernie
10-04-2010, 13:51
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Randy
12-04-2010, 13:10
Queen overheard on JZ's recent visit.:devil:


En as jy klaar die bossies uitgetrek het, gooi daardie daffodils nat en dan
tel jy al die corgie stront op! Verstaan jy mooi?

Grietje
12-04-2010, 14:27
Anger Management



When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take

it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on

someone you don't know.



I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to

make. I dialed what I thought was Robyn's number A man answered, saying,

"Hello."



I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn?"



Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "There's no Robyn here. Get

the right f**king number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.



I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down

Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally

transposed the last two digits.



After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a??hole!" and

hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a??hole' next to it, and

put it in my desk drawer.



Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,

I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a??hole!"



It always cheered me up.



When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "a??hole

calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this

is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with

our Caller ID Program?"



He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.



I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a??hole!"



One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.



Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had

patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting

for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in

his back window, which included his phone number, so I wrote down the

number.



A couple of days later, right after calling the first a??hole (I had his

number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW a??hole,

too.



I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"



"Yes, it is," he said.



"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.



"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd., in Ventura. It's a yellow house, and

the car's parked right out in front."



"What's your name?" I asked.



"My name is Don Hansen," he said.



"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"



"I'm home every evening after five."



"Listen, Don, can I tell l you something?"



"Yes?"



"Don, you're an a??hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my

speed dial.



Now, when I had a problem, I had two a??holes to call. Then I came up

with an idea. I called A??hole #1.



"Hello."



"You're an a??hole!" But I didn't hang up.



"Are you still there?" he asked.



"Yeah," I said.



"Stop calling me," he screamed.



"Make me," I said.



"Who are you?" he asked.



"My name is Don Hansen."



"Yeah? Where do you live?"



"A??hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd in Ventura, a yellow house, with my

black Beamer parked in front."



He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start

saying your prayers."



I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a??hole," and hung up.



Then I called A??hole #2. "Hello?" he said.



"Hello, a??hole!" I said.



He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."



"You'll what?" I said.



"I'll kick you're a??," he exclaimed.



I answered, "Well, a??hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right

now."



Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at

34 Mowbray Blvd, Ventura, and that I was on my way over there to kill my

gay lover.



I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just

in time to watch the two a??holes beating the crap out of each other

in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter, and a news crew.



NOW I feel much better.
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Julius Malema
15-04-2010, 09:34
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Cape Town. I heard prostitutes there get paid
R400 for doing what I do for you for free."


Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her
husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
" I'm coming too, I want to see how you're going to live on R800 a year! "

Ernie
15-04-2010, 09:41
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021:

Grietje
15-04-2010, 13:19
Racists let down by poor quality of SA's 'race war' - as seen on www.hayibo.com (http://www.hayibo.com) (an alternative news source)


VENTERSDORP. Racists of all races today were brought together in an unusual moment of solidarity to express their dissatisfaction with the widely-reported 'race war' South Africa has been plunged into since Eugene Terre'blanche's murder. “It's a total snore,” they announced.
In a highly unusual meeting that took place on the outskirts of Ventersdorp today, racists of all hues met up to confide their disappointment in the poor quality race war South Africa has produced so far.
“It's not what we hoped for at all,” confessed AWB Kommandant Erfenis van der Trekboer. “This race war is fokken boring. I'd rather be home watching Sewende Laan with a nice koppie koffie and a rusk.”
His opinion was met with nods and murmurs of approval from gathered members of the Azanian People's Organisation, AZAPO.
“When the media said there was a race war on, I even turned off the Sundowns-Pirates match straight away to start looking for my tribal weapons,” said AZAPO Colonel Fanon Blekpowa. “What a waste of average soccer.”
After a lengthy round-table discussion, all stakeholders agreed to the multilateral adoption of strategies guaranteed to heighten tensions.
“For instance, the next time I see an umlungu, I am going to go up really close and make a mosquito buzzing sound in their ear,” explained Blekpowa. “Everyone knows that is the most irritating of all sounds.”
The AWB has pledged to “do their bit” by blasting Kurt Darren’s notoriously aggravating ditty ‘Meisie Meisie’ at full volume from their bakkies wherever they drive.
“We all have to pull together to show the international community that South Africa is capable of a really professional, world-class race war,” van der Trekboer stated.
Concerns about the race war now extend beyond Eugene Terre’blanche’s heartland, however. The Indian community met yesterday in Durban to issue a statement of outrage at their continuing exclusion from the racial hatred discourse.
“We Indians would like to show that there is more to us than being hardworking and commercially astute,” announced spokesperson Poppadum Naidoo. “We too are capable of devastating racial insults, like ‘undercooked roti,’ which is what we call white people, and ‘overcooked roti’, which is what we call black people.”
“What your rubbish bloody race war needs is a little bit of spice, and you can call us any time. Which reminds me that if you are needing your mobile phone unblocked, I can also do that for you cheap-cheap.”
Simultaneously, all over the country, millions of ordinary, hardworking South Africans have also admitted that they have no idea what “polarisation” means.
This will come as a blow to journalists, as it is now a compulsory by-law for each media report on the race war to include the word at least once.
“I thought it had something to do with climate change,” confessed Newlands housewife Nikki Picket-Fence yesterday. “Now I’m not sure. Excuse me, I must go – I think I smell my cottage pie polarising in the oven.”
Internationally, far-right groups around the world have issued statements of contempt at South Africa’s race war.
“LOL,” ran the contribution from Zimbabwe’s Zanu PF. “You pussies wouldn’t know a race war if it stopped you on the street and pinched your bottom, you limp-wristed mommies’ boys.”
Neo-Nazi groups in Europe concurred. The leader of the Homeland-Faithful German Youth organisation, Achtung Lebensraum, commented “I haf had better race wars against my Aryan grandmuzzer.”

Julius Malema
20-04-2010, 22:13
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says,

'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds,

'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says,
'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in,
'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon observed,

'You're all wrong. ANC Youth League Politicians (AKA Julius Malema) are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

Woestyn Wolf
20-04-2010, 22:49
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Randy
21-04-2010, 14:26
DANGERS OF CHANGING JOBS

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that just a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all."

"Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Rob
21-04-2010, 15:21
:smiley-laughing021:

Woestyn Wolf
22-04-2010, 08:05
Ouma & Oupa klim in die bed.
Oupa gee 'n harde poep.
Ouma vra:'Wat was dit?'
Oupa dink vinnig en s : 'dis poeprugby...7 punte vir
my!'
Paar minute later poep ouma en s : 'n drie & 'n skop,
7 punte elk!'
Oupa gee so n sagte poepie en s: 'strafskop vir my, 10 -
07'
Ouma laat loop ook met n ligte enetjie en s: ' strafskop,
10 elk'
Direk daarna gee ouma nog een en s : 'skepskop!' ek loop
13 - 10 voor..!!'
Oupa druk op sy hardste, verloor beheer en beskyt die bed.
Ouma vra : en dit?
Oupa s: Dis halftyd, ons moet kante ruil'

Grietje
22-04-2010, 22:21
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Ernie
23-04-2010, 16:00
My pa se altyd as die weer so reenerig is "dit is teel weer die. En dis nie vloer teels of muur teels nie"........Dis seker dan maar dak teels :devil: :smiley-laughing021:

Off Road Dawg
24-04-2010, 15:25
A famous heart surgeon dies and 100's fromthe medical profession is at his funeral service. After all the ceremonial things are over, the curtains at the crematorium open and the coffin is now standing before a wall mural in the shape of a heart. The undertaker presses a button and the heart opens in the middle and the coffin slowly slides into the opening and disappears. One of the doctors starts giggling uncontrollably. The person next to him elbows him in the ribs and says - "Have you no respect for the dead?", the giggling doctor says sheepishly " I am a gynaecologist - was just thinking of what they are going to do at my funeral......."

Randy
26-04-2010, 11:21
Koos was gatvol vir Suid-Afrika; die misdaad; sy werk in die polisie;
die verkeer in Johannesburg; al die mense net waar jy kyk.
Hy bedank sy werk en emigreer na Kanada. Die noorde van Kanada, daar
waar jy selde 'n mens sien, 'n plek sonder misdaad, sonder verkeer,
sonder geraas, uiteindelik stilte.
Koos vang vis in die ys. Verder eet hy van die ton biltong wat sy
polisiepensioen gekoop het, nou en dan gevriesde groente. Een maal per
maand skiet hy 'n takbok vir 'n braai. Hy maak sy eie takbokwors en pos
pakkies wors vir sy bejaarde moeder in Suid-Afrika.
Koos is gelukkig, sy enigste kontak met die buitewreld is die
klipstapel waar hy sy pos laat en afhaal. Na 'n jaar in die koue
yslandskap begin hy egter verlang na bietjie geselskap, dalk net iemand
om "hallo" voor te s. Nog elf maande verloop en Koos begin voel hoe die
mure van sy houthuis op hom druk. Dis amper Kersfees en nou verlang hy
erg na iemand wat hy nie ken nie.
12 dae voor Kersfees is daar 'n klop aan sy deur. Met bewende hande
maak Koos die deur oop. Voor hom staan die grootste eskimo wat Koos al
ooit in sy lewe gesien het. Dit was nou wel die eerste eskimo wat Koos
sien, maar nogtans was di groter as enige Blou Bul slot wat hy al ooit
op Loftus gesien het.
"Goeie dag" s die harige man.
"Dags" antwoord 'n opgewonde Koos.
"Ek is jou buurman." s die eskimo. "Het iemand jou al kom welkom heet
in ons midde?" vra hy.
"Nee" antwoord Koos, nou meer opgewonde.
"Welkom dan" s die eskimo "en laat ek jou dan sommer uitnooi na ons
jaarlikse Kerspartytjie."
"'n Partytjie!" ontplof Koos, terwyl sy tone begin omkrul.
"Ja," antwoord die eskimo "maar ek moet jou waarsku, dis nie vir almal
nie."
"Nie almal kan die potte vol vleis hanteer wat ons eet by die partytjie
nie." s die harige vent.
"Dis mos my kos daai." antwoord Koos vinnig.
"Die musiek is verskriklik hard." s die eskimo.
"Net soos ek daarvan hou." glimlag Koos.
"Die drank gaan vloei." s die eskimo ernstig.
"Dit moet!" gil Koos half histeries.
"Daar gaan waarskynlik 'n bakleiery wees." s die eskimo terwyl hy sy
bors uitstoot.
"Ek was in die polisie." s Koos en knipoog.
"Daar gaan seks wees." s die eskimo.
"Nou praat jy my taal." s Koos en knipoog weer.
"Sien jou Vrydag, by die iglo 54 km wes van hier, bring jou eie glas,
ys is op die huis." s die eskimo en loop weg.
"Hokaai!" roep Koos agterna "Wat trek mens aan na die party?"
"Ag, maak nie saak nie" antwoord die harige reus "dis net die twee van
ons."

Grietje
28-04-2010, 09:54
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing021::devil:

Grietje
28-04-2010, 09:55
Wees gewaarsku....swaar op die taal.....

Die moerefokken perdeby is 'n skelm stuk kak insek wat sy huis bou net waar die fok hy wil. Soos 'n Zim war veteran vat hy oor. Daai buitekamerdeur wat jy eenkeer per jaar opmaak om drie maande na kersfees jou nuutste oefen apparaat te wegsit om stof op te gaar? Daai naai bly daar, onder andere. Die perdeby sal in daai sleutelgat bly en sodra jy die sleutel indruk om oop te sluit, sal die gevlerkte kont sy bier neersit en met ten minste vyf van sy homies uitvlieg en jou fokken steek. And not in a good way.
Ongelukkig, andersins as met bye, sal die outjie se boude nie afval na hy jou genaai het nie. Sorry ou maat, hy sal jou kataza terwyl jy weghol met flappende arms en soos 'n meisie skree wat 'n skurwe oom in 'n Ford met 'n dowwe linker headlight gesien het.
Dan sal hy terugvlieg na sy sleutelgathuisie, sy bier klaar drink en sy goose met die perdebylyfie naai. En nog perdebye maak.
Jissis, ek haat die fokken goed.

xjstevie
30-04-2010, 09:10
Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa . While on holiday in
Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach .

As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black
dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by
"What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

"F*ckin great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed.

"We'd never get away with that at home!

Julius Malema
30-04-2010, 10:12
Seun stuur sy pa 'n brief van universiteit af plaas toe om te s dat die mense in die stad so slim is hulle kan Wagter leer praat, dit kos R1000. Pa stuur Wagter en R1000 op volgende trein en s seun moet Wagter vir lesse stuur. Seun suip R1000 uit en los wagter om amper te vergaan. 2 maande later toe seun huistoe gaan vir vakansie wonder hy wat hy sy pa gaan vertel hoekom Wagter nie kan praat nie. Hy gooi toe maar vir Wagter by die trein uit. Toe die trein op sy tuisdorp stop is sy pa dadelik by en vra waar is Wagter, hy wil biekie met hom gesels. Seun se toe "Pa, ek en Wagter het op die trein gesit en gesels, toe vertel hy my hy en pa het partykeer hier op die plaas gery, dan gaan tel pa van die werkers se vrouens skelm op en dan gaan julle bosse toe en dan doen pa snaakse goed met die werkers se vroue. "Toe besluit ek ek kan nie toelaat dat 'n hond sulke kak van my pa praat nie, toe gooi ek hom by die venster van die bewegende trein uit."
Pa: "is jy seker daai fokken hond is dood!!!"

Grietje
02-05-2010, 20:23
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Randy
05-05-2010, 09:01
Eerste vat hulle Eugene van die Boere, nou vat hulle Lolly van die Hoere….. Its over man!!!!!

BIG BLACK TJ
05-05-2010, 09:48
:smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing021:

foxgremlin
05-05-2010, 13:17
Eugene het van skiet gehou en is dood gesteek,Lolly het van steek gehou en is dood geskiet.what has come of this world

Ernie
05-05-2010, 13:34
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021:

Randy
06-05-2010, 07:12
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the fookin' skippin'

xjstevie
06-05-2010, 09:04
http://i292.photobucket.com/albums/mm22/wonder_lick/Motivational%20posters/dirtylamp.jpg

Grietje
06-05-2010, 09:11
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Bushcamp
06-05-2010, 10:25
http://asset.soup.io/asset/0047/2347_a6f6_750.jpeg

Randy
06-05-2010, 11:13
KAN JY GLO!!!!!!!! daai vrou het a lamp GE K@K..................ROTF-LMAO

How do you spell PHOTO SHOP?

Ernie
06-05-2010, 11:26
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021: Nou kyk ek heeltemal anders na beligting. :smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021:

Woestyn Wolf
07-05-2010, 00:21
Kan iemand vir my so lamp stuur asseblief.

Rob
07-05-2010, 08:45
Make that 2!

Randy
07-05-2010, 11:40
2 SEUNTJIES STRY OOR DIE GROOTTE VAN HUL PA SE PLASE.

DIE EEN SEUNTJIE S, "MY PA SE PLAAS IS SO GROOT, AS ONS DIE OGGEND 5 UUR MET DIE BAKKIE BY DIE HUIS RY, KOM ONS EERS NA SKEMER BY DIE EERSTE HOEKPAAL UIT!"


DIE TWEEDE EEN S, "ONS HET JARE TERUG OOK SO 'N K@K BAKKIE GEHAD........."


Obviously was dit nie a TOYOTA nie.:asshole:'s

Grietje
07-05-2010, 13:39
2059

Randy
07-05-2010, 13:49
TATA Andre jy het ONDER prersteer:new_cussing:

Grietje
07-05-2010, 14:16
remember when your mother told you
never to take sweets from a stranger…

this is the one she was talking about!!!
avoid him.


2060

Randy
10-05-2010, 06:57
he needs a kick in the GUMBALLS:devil:

Grietje
10-05-2010, 20:05
:smiley-laughing021:

Grietje
13-05-2010, 15:31
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated Conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come one Lasta Time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig.' She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud on
Public Places about our sex lives.'
'Hey, coola down lady, ' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta sex?

I'm a Justa Tellin my friend how to spell ' Mississippi ','

Ernie
13-05-2010, 15:40
:smiley-laughing021:

Woestyn Wolf
13-05-2010, 23:16
Juffrou: "Klas, wat gee hoenders?" Marie: "Eiers."
"Klas, wat gee boerbokke?"
Sannie: "Bokmelk."
"Klas, wat gee 'n koei ons?"
Jannie: "Wiskunde en f@rken huiswerk."

Woestyn Wolf
13-05-2010, 23:17
Juffrou vra: "Wie kan 'n sin maak met halstarrig?"
Klein Sipho: "As iemand hy poep by die taxi en die window maak die fog, ons halstarrig asem."

Woestyn Wolf
13-05-2010, 23:18
'n Taalhandhawer en sy nors vrou hou by die vulstasie stil.
"Vul asseblief die brandstoftenk, gaan die olievlak na en kyk of daar fout is met die knormoer van die motor" is die opdrag.
Na 'n rukkie kom die pompjoggie na hom en s: "Oubaas, ek het gefill-up en die olie gecheck, maar ek dink ons moet die oumiesies net so laat staan."

Johan
18-05-2010, 10:32
Sipho by werkloosheidskantoor:


"Ek wil werk, ek wil hard werk, ek soek min geld en staak nie"

Koos antwoord:
"Goeie pos vir jou R50,000.00 per maand,
2 trips per jaar oorsee,
13de tjek
En 4 x 4 D/Cab"

Sipho: "Jy lieg vir my!"

Koos: "Ja, maar jy`t eerste begin kak praat.

foxgremlin
18-05-2010, 10:49
Why fishing is better than sex.

#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

foxgremlin
18-05-2010, 10:50
A farmer named Van was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Limpopo when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young black man in a n Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer , 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Van looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Van .

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Van says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're Julius Malema, head of the Youth League for the ANC Party', says Van .

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.', answered the farmer . 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . Now give me back my dog.

Rob
18-05-2010, 10:53
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing013:

Grietje
18-05-2010, 10:56
:smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing013:

Johan
18-05-2010, 12:52
Why i fired my secretary...

Last week was my birthday and i didn't feel very well waking up that
morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "happy birthday."

i thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.

My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when i left for the
office, i was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As i walked into my office, my secretary jane said, "good morning, boss,
happy birthday!"

it felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then jane knocked on my door and said, "you
know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go
out to lunch, just you and me."
i said, "thanks jane, that's the greatest thing i've heard all day. Let's
go!"

we went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis
each and i enjoyed the meal tremendously on the way back to the office, jane
said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to
the office, do we?"
i responded, "i guess not. What do you have in mind?"

she said, "let's go to my apartment."

after arriving at her apartment jane turned to me and said, "boss, if you
don't mind, i'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right
back."
"ok." i nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my
friends and co-workers, all singing "happy birthday".
And i just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

Ernie
18-05-2010, 13:06
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021:

4ePikanini
18-05-2010, 13:46
what the hell was he doing in his secretary's apartment in the first place. He got what he deserved the pig!
:devil:

Johan
19-05-2010, 06:55
Dear Spike,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my
daughter.

Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your tattoos and
piercings. I now realize that motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really
should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a
job. I am sure,too,that some other very nice people live under the
bridge in the park.

Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to
university on a scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from
books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be.
I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full
blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely,

Alfred (Your future father-in-law.)

P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery last week.

foxgremlin
19-05-2010, 11:10
Two Woodpeckers
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker
successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without
breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the
Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same
conclusion:

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets
harder when you're away from home.

GreenDisco
19-05-2010, 11:33
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there

Ernie
19-05-2010, 11:40
:smiley-laughing021: :devil: :smiley-laughing021:

Ernie
20-05-2010, 08:27
'n ou Oom gaan klim in die bed maar hy het planne vir sy vrou vanaand. Sy vrou se "Nee, ek het 'n ginekoloog afspraak more oggend". Die oom wip hom en draai op sy sy. So ruk later draai die oom weer om en vra "Het jy more 'n tandarts afspraak ook?"

Johan
21-05-2010, 09:21
Morele waardes


Twee kollegas geniet 'n branna n werk.
"Jy weet," s die een, "ek glo in outydse morele waardes. Ek het nie voor ons troue by my vrou geslaap nie. Kan jy dieselfde s?"
Die ander ou dink so 'n bietjie en antwoord: "Hel, ek is nie seker nie. Wat was jou vrou se nooiensvan?"

Woestyn Wolf
21-05-2010, 23:12
Dis wat kan gebeur as 'n vrou haar man saamsleep om inkopies te doen.
'n Brief van Ketting Winkel
Geagte Mev. Pieterse,

Ons winkel is van plan om u gesin uit ons winkel te verban, tensy u man nie met sy streke ophou nie.
Onderaan is 'n lys van al die streke wat hy aangevang het.
Ons kameras het hulle oor die laaste maande geverifieer.


MEMO - Van Sekuriteitsafdeling

15 Dinge wat Mnr. Pieterse aangevang het terwyl sy vrou inkopies doen.

1 Junie
Het 24 boksies kondome gevat en hulle in ander kliente se mandjies gegooi terwyl hulle nie kyk nie.

2 Julie
Al die wekkers in Houseware ingestel om met 5 minute tussenposes af te gaan.

3 Julie
Het 'n tamatiesous spoor op die vloer gelos tot by die tampon rakke.

4 Julie
Na 'n werknemer in Houseware gestap en haar in 'n amptelike stem gese: "Kode 3" .... en toe gewag om te sien wat gaan gebeur.

5 Augustus
Het na die Dienstoonbank geloop en gevra of hy 'n sakkie M&M's op lay-buy kon sit.

6 Sept
Het die "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" bordjie na die matte afdeling geneem.

7 Sept
Het 'n tent in die Kampafdeling opgerig en vir kliente uitgenooi om in te kom as hulle kussings van die Beddegoedafdeling sal bring..

8 Sept
Toe 'n assistent hom vra of sy hom kan help, het hy begin huil en hardop geskree: "Hoekom kan julle mense my nie uitlos nie?"

9 Okt
Het reguit in die sekuriteitskamera gekyk asof dit 'n spieel is, in sy neus gekrap, en dit toe geeet.

10 Nov
Terwyl hy gewere in die jagafdeling gehanteer het, vra hy die assistent, waar kry jy die anti-depressante?

11 Des
Pyl orals in die winkel rond op 'n baie verdagte manier, terwyl hy hardop die tema van "Mission Impossible" neurie.

12 Des
In die Auto department het hy sy "Madonna look" geoefen deur verskeie groote tregters te gebruik.

13 Des
Het homself in die klererak weggesteek en dan terwyl kliente deur die klere kyk, uitgeroep "PICK ME!", "PICK ME!"

14 Des
Toe 'n aankondiging oor die luidspreker kom, het hy in die fetale posisie gegaan en geskree "NEE! NEE! Dis weer daai stemme!"

15 Des
Hy het in 'n klere aanpaskamer gegaan, die deur gesluit, 'n tyd lank gewag en toe baie hardop uitgeroep:
"DAARS NIE TOILETPAPIER HIER NIE!!!!"

foxgremlin
27-05-2010, 10:41
Wat is die toppunt van geraas? Twee geraamtes wat woelig Spyker op 'nsinkdak met 'n Coke blikkie as 'n kondoom

Ernie
27-05-2010, 11:19
:smiley-laughing021:

Grietje
27-05-2010, 16:22
Dis wat kan gebeur as 'n vrou haar man saamsleep om inkopies te doen.
'n Brief van Ketting Winkel
Geagte Mev. Pieterse,

Ons winkel is van plan om u gesin uit ons winkel te verban, tensy u man nie met sy streke ophou nie.
Onderaan is 'n lys van al die streke wat hy aangevang het.
Ons kameras het hulle oor die laaste maande geverifieer.


MEMO - Van Sekuriteitsafdeling

15 Dinge wat Mnr. Pieterse aangevang het terwyl sy vrou inkopies doen.

1 Junie
Het 24 boksies kondome gevat en hulle in ander kliente se mandjies gegooi terwyl hulle nie kyk nie.

2 Julie
Al die wekkers in Houseware ingestel om met 5 minute tussenposes af te gaan.

3 Julie
Het 'n tamatiesous spoor op die vloer gelos tot by die tampon rakke.

4 Julie
Na 'n werknemer in Houseware gestap en haar in 'n amptelike stem gese: "Kode 3" .... en toe gewag om te sien wat gaan gebeur.

5 Augustus
Het na die Dienstoonbank geloop en gevra of hy 'n sakkie M&M's op lay-buy kon sit.

6 Sept
Het die "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" bordjie na die matte afdeling geneem.

7 Sept
Het 'n tent in die Kampafdeling opgerig en vir kliente uitgenooi om in te kom as hulle kussings van die Beddegoedafdeling sal bring..

8 Sept
Toe 'n assistent hom vra of sy hom kan help, het hy begin huil en hardop geskree: "Hoekom kan julle mense my nie uitlos nie?"

9 Okt
Het reguit in die sekuriteitskamera gekyk asof dit 'n spieel is, in sy neus gekrap, en dit toe geeet.

10 Nov
Terwyl hy gewere in die jagafdeling gehanteer het, vra hy die assistent, waar kry jy die anti-depressante?

11 Des
Pyl orals in die winkel rond op 'n baie verdagte manier, terwyl hy hardop die tema van "Mission Impossible" neurie.

12 Des
In die Auto department het hy sy "Madonna look" geoefen deur verskeie groote tregters te gebruik.

13 Des
Het homself in die klererak weggesteek en dan terwyl kliente deur die klere kyk, uitgeroep "PICK ME!", "PICK ME!"

14 Des
Toe 'n aankondiging oor die luidspreker kom, het hy in die fetale posisie gegaan en geskree "NEE! NEE! Dis weer daai stemme!"

15 Des
Hy het in 'n klere aanpaskamer gegaan, die deur gesluit, 'n tyd lank gewag en toe baie hardop uitgeroep:
"DAARS NIE TOILETPAPIER HIER NIE!!!!"

:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Randy
28-05-2010, 10:00
EK IS NIE 'n BULLS SUPPORTER NIE !!! OK!!!!!!!!!

Ek sal eerder a BOBJANA BOBJANA hemp dra voor ek die bulls support!:flipa:

n Vriend van my s: Die hele vulkaan storie is n k+k storie.!

Die stof is glo as gevolg van die Stormers wat probeer om hul trofee kabinet skoon te maak!!!:smile:

VRYSTAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!:eek:

GI JOE
28-05-2010, 16:57
Hot Wax is nie jou vriend nie
Hoekom is dit dat ons skoner geslag altyd val vir le beloftes? Veral wat die verwyder van ongewenste liggaamshare aanbetref? Het ons nie al ons les geleer met die Epilady, Nair en allerhande stickers en skeermesse nie? En elke keer glo ons die beloftes dat die hare f stadiger f nooit weer gaan terug groei nie.
My aand was doodgewoon. By die huis gekom, kos gemaak, kinders gebad en in die bed gesit en manlief voor die TV gelos om sy stoei in vrede te kyk. Besluit toe dat ek die oorlog teen ongewenste hare nou moet aanpak anders lyk ek soos 'n bosbobejaan en kan ek nie die naweek swem nie.

Gryp toe die boks 'koue waks' en pluk hom oop. Hoe moeilik kan dit nou wees? Geen waks wat eers gesmelt moet word nie, dis twee strokies met waks in die middel - amper soos 'n toebroodjie, wat jy dan warm vryf, oop trek en teen jou liggaam plak. Daarna trek jy strokie vinnig af (en skree natuurlik soos 'n vlakvark) 'no mess, no fuss'. Ek glo ek verstaan die instruksies en dit is mos darem deur 'n vrou uitgevind en baaaiiiieee ander vrouens gebruik dit op 'n daaglikse basis, so ek sal dit sommer tjop tjop onder die knie kry.

Ek vryf die strokie tussen my hande, maar kan die ding nie warm genoeg kry nie. Hoe nou gemaak? Kan hom nie in die toaster sit nie, dit sal net marakkas maak en die haartang gaan nie lekker werk nie. Natuurlik! Die haardror! Blaas toe die waks tot ek voel hoe dit sag en speelbaar raak. Dink toe sommer aan ander dinge wat ook sag en speelbaar is... Raait, daar is my cold wax toe hot wax. Ek trek die een strokie af, plak die slymerige storie op my been, knyp die een oog toe, byt op my tande en tjjjjj trek hom af. Kon erger gewees het. Ek is trots op myself dat ek so oulik is en sien sommer hoe glad my bene en die res die naweek gaan wees. Manlief is juis so liefdevol as ek mooi glad is. Ek het die prosedure nou mooi onder die knie en vorder fluks.
Nou kom die moeilike deel. Soos ons ouer word kry ons mos pakkasie. Ja man, dis nou die spaarwiel om die heupe en maag, die paksak op die boude en die res wat dril soos rofies in die army, jy verstaan? Maak toe die spiel staan op die toilet, staan in my Eva's gewaad voor die spiel en lig my voet teen die bad sodat ek mooi kan sien en mooi kan bykom. Plak die strokie van Paragwaai al die pad tot by Holland, al op die bikini lyn (nie dat ek ooit dood in 'n bikini gesien sal word nie). Ek het besef dat hierdie deel van die operasie seer gaan wees en het die waks nie so warm gemaak soos die ander nie. Ek wil tog nie in die hospitaal beland met 3de graadse brandwonde aan my hoo-ha nie! Wat sal die mense s en hoe kyk ek die dominee daarna in die o. Ek staal myself, vat die strokie styf vas en ruk.

Ek sien sterretjies en wonder of ek moet lag of huil. Hel, maar dis seer! Kyk af en ja, sowaar, ek het die strokie net halfpad afgetrek.. Daar sit die res dan nog. Hou aan die wasbak vas en PLUK!!!! Ek doen die hoender dans, die nou dieselfde arm geflap wat ons doen as ons onder die arms geskeer het en ons spuit per abuis Mum 21 aan. Rooi in die gesig en met my asem wat jaag bestudeer ek die waks strokie om te sien of ek darem al die hare gekry het. Groot is my skok. Die strokie is LEEG! Geen hare, geen waks! Nou waar de hel is die waks!
Ek buig vorentoe en lyk soos 'n volstruis wat sy kop in die sand wil steek, loer oor die spaarwiel en wraggies, daar sit die hare steeds, dis nou die hare wat veronderstel is om op die waks strokie te sit. Ek voel versigtig daaaaaaar onder en sug swaar, want daar, op my mees privaatste plekkie, waar ek nie mooi kan bykom nie, daar sit die waks. Sonder om te dink haal ek my voet van die bad se kant af en stamp hom hard op die vloer terwyl ek vloek soos 'n matroos. Ek sluk halfpad deur my rympie amper my tong in toe my hoo-ha en wangetjies mekaar omhels.

Jip, daar staan ek toe, toegeplak van Paragwaai al die pad tot in Holland en my hart klop in my groottone. Hoe nou gemaak? Ek loop soos 'n Pikkewyn op en af voor die wasbak terwyl my maag draai en ek hard bid dat my maag nie nou 'n illegal occupant moet evict nie, want ander sal die kompressie waarlik my kop laat bars.. Dink Tess, dink! Ek kry 'n blink plan, gryp die haardror en begin blaas. My o traan van die blow wave, maar heel laas, die waks wil niks weet van smelt nie. Miskien moes ek langer uitgehou het, maar 'n mens kan ook net soveel warm wind DAAR hanteer. Ok, wat volgende? Miskien warm water? Ek probeer eers warm water met die stort kop (waarmee jy jou hare in die bad was) op die waks spuit, maar dit werk nie lekker nie. Tap toe maar die bad vol warm water en kry myself baie jammer omdat nie eers die gevangenis op Robin Eiland so gemartel is nie.

Wel, die enigste ding erger as jou privates wat mekaar omhels, is jou privates wat vas aan mekaar geplak is en dan nog aan die bodem van die bad vassit terwyl jy so rooi soos 'n kreef verkleur en jou brein vir jou bly skree 'STAAN OP, IDIOOT, STAAN OP, EK IS BESIG OM TE KOOK'. Ek leer toe op die harde manier dat warm water nie 'koue waks' smelt nie. Back to square 1. Ek loer om die badkamer deur (wil nie h manlief moet my so sien nie) en waggel dan kamer toe waar ek my selfoon gryp en terug badkamer toe waggel..
Raait, wie bel ek nou? My ma het in haar lewe nog nooit eers van waks gehoor nie. Die dra dan steeds doekies, al is tampons al jare op die mark. Anyway, wie? My skoonma! Natuurlik! Sy doen mos altyd hierdie weird en wonderful goed en ken al die boererate onder die son. Skoonpa antwoord en ek praat hom sommer dood. Ja, skoonma is daar en dan hoor ek haar stem. Ek wil sommer huil van blydskap. Sy sal kan help. Ek hakkel so effe, maar vertel haar van my dilema. Stilte..... steeds stilte.

Ek begin net wonder of my foon sein verloor het toe ek haar hoor lag. Sy lag so dat sy nie met my kan praat nie. Eers lag ek saam, dan raak ek vies. Sy hou op lag, maar ek kan aan haar stem hoor dat sy nog nie klaar is nie. Wat s die boks? wil sy weet. Wat s die boks? Seker nie dat jy dom genoeg moet wees om jouself weer in 'n virgin te verander nie.. Skoon ontstoke gryp ek die boks terwyl skoonma weer aan die ander kant proes. Skoonma ek soen jou sommer. Daar, binne die boks is 'n botteltjie seep om die 'ekstra waks' mee te verwyder. Ek wil sommer my eie gaai skop dat ek nie eerste in die boks gekyk het voordat ek skoonma gebel het nie, want nou gaan die hele familie weer die storie van Tess se toegeplakte hoo-ha hoor en sal ek seker nooit die einde daarvan hoor nie . Ek druk die foon dood met haar gelag in my ore, gryp die bottel en smeer liberaal van die 'seep' aan. My o traan, my neus loop, my ore is toegeslaan en my hoo-ha is dood, letterlik, geen gevoel nie, maar DIT WERK!!!

Ek laat nie op my wag nie en skrop asof my lewe daarvan afhang. Mind you, my lewe hang daarvan af. My bene voel soos jellie, my hart klop asof ek sopas 'n maraton gehardloop het. Klaar, maar agge nee, die hare is steeds daar..... Flippen hel!!! Dis nou genoeg. Bogger dit.. Ek gryp die skeermes en skeer dat jy net hare sien waai. Hoop nie ek skeer myself raak nie, want op
hierdie stadium is my hoo-ha en omliggende dele so dood dat ek my eie been sal afsny sonder om dit te voel.

Wel, mense, nooit weer probeer ek waks nie en ek beveel julle sterk aan om behoorlik daaroor te besin voor julle begin. Nou wonder ek, sal ek volgende week probeer om sonstrepies in my hare te sit? I THINK NOT!

Ernie
28-05-2010, 18:05
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021: sorry.......:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021:

Off Road Dawg
29-05-2010, 09:34
Had dinner at The Brazilian the other night

Question - if its Brazilian why did I find a hair in my dessert?

Ernie
29-05-2010, 09:39
:smiley-laughing021::devil::smiley-laughing021:

Grietje
31-05-2010, 08:07
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Grietje
31-05-2010, 11:53
Raadop, vlieg die Lions se manager Baghdad toe om jong Iraqi rugbyspeler waarvan hy gehoor het in 'n klein village te gaan uitcheck. Hy is moerse impressed met die outjie, doen papierwerk en betaal dik zak om die outjie saam met hom terug Gauteng toe te bring.
Twee weke later is die Lions 18-6 agter teen 'n laerskool in Mondeor en daar is net 20 minute se speeltyd oor. Die manager gee toe die Iraqi 'n nod en stuur hom op as vleuel.
Die outjie speel sy hart uit en score 4 tries in die doodsnikke van die game om dit vir die Lions te wen. Almal is moerse bly en die local koerante neem net heeltyd kiekies.
Die outjie draf van die veld af en bel moerse opgewonde sy ma: "Hey ma, raai wat? Ons was 18-6 agter gewees toe die coach my opgestuur het in die laaste 20 minute. Ek het 4 tries gescore en die game vir my nuwe span gewen! Almal smaak my stukkend!"
"Wonderlik", tune sy ma, "laat ek jou van ons kak dag hierso vertel. Jou pa is in die straat geskiet en ge-rob, ek en jou sister is ge-ambush en opgefok. Alles is van ons lywe af gesteel en jou broer het 'n blerrie straatbende gejoin. Dit alles terwyl jy so lekker tyd op die rugbyveld gehad het!"
Die laitie is baie upset: "Wat kan ek doen ma? Shit, ek is moerse jammer om te hoor. Dis f%$# erg!" Sy ma tune hom: "Jammmer??! Jammer??! Dis jou f*%# skuld dat ons Joburg toe getrek het!"

Ernie
31-05-2010, 12:44
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Randy
31-05-2010, 12:59
AFRICA IS NOT FOR SISSIES or PISSIES! :devil: :smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing021:

Randy
01-06-2010, 07:13
Economics Teacher:

Can you give us an example of Complete business failure due to
Professional negligence?

Student:

A pregnant prostitute!

Grietje
02-06-2010, 12:08
It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Grietje
02-06-2010, 12:10
Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!"
... the teacher fainted!

Grietje
03-06-2010, 13:30
http://www.watkykjy.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/commacomma.jpg

Off Road Dawg
14-06-2010, 11:30
Leeu slaat vir hina moertoe.

Bobbejaan sit bo in die boom en toekyk.

Na die fight vra hina verontwaardig:

"Hel, hoekom help jy my nie, ek's nou amper doodgebliksem!"

Bobbejaan: "F@k, jy giggel so... ek dog jy wen..."

Woestyn Wolf
14-06-2010, 11:41
:smiley-laughing021::smiley-laughing013::smiley-laughing021:

foxgremlin
14-06-2010, 11:53
:smiley-laughing013:

Grietje
14-06-2010, 12:32
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
‘Well, it’s quite simple, really,’ says the seller, ‘whenever the Bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain.’
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ‘I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.’
‘When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.’
‘No problem,’ he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom..
‘She’s got a great body,’ he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way
right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket…
Suddenly the father shouted….’I'll do the f****** dishes!!!

Ernie
14-06-2010, 12:37
:smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021: :smiley-laughing021:

Off Road Dawg
15-06-2010, 07:39
:eek:

Off Road Dawg
23-06-2010, 11:24
On a bitterly cold winters morning in Dublin, a blonde and her husband were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through.
"So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.
"The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, " I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the f**k**g car in the garage this time."

Off Road Dawg
23-06-2010, 11:33
:wtf:

Off Road Dawg
23-06-2010, 12:21
Juffrou gee wiskunde; "Gertjie verstaan jy alles?" "Sjoe juffrou net so kol kol!"
"Watter kol verstaan jy nie,Gertjie?" "Fo_kol juffrou."
*******************
Sannie(3) skree vir Jannie (3 en half): "Jannie kom gou, hier l 'n kondoom op die patio." Jannie vra "Wat is 'n patio?"
***********************
Man kneeling by bed, Wife says, "What are you praying for?"
Husband says "Guidance."
Wife says, "Pray for stiffness, I'll guide the thing myself!"

Off Road Dawg
28-06-2010, 09:25
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, while visibly shuddering.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking
even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman,
'I couldn't help but notice' he said, 'that when you sneeze you shudder violently.
Are you ok?'
'I am sorry if I disturbed you,' she replied. 'I have a very rare
medical condition, whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
'I have never heard of that condition before' he said.
'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'

Off Road Dawg
29-06-2010, 13:37
Paddy and Murphy were talking one afternoon when Paddy tells Murphy, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Molly got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Molly got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darn me, if Molly didn't get pregnant again."

Murphy asks Paddy, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Paddy says, "This year I'm taking Molly with me."

DVR
01-07-2010, 21:05
Why did the chicken cross the road ?? FIFA claims the chicken dit not cross the road !!!!!

In-sand-ity
06-07-2010, 10:55
A dutch couple were in SA for the soccer world cup.The two were sitting in a pub having a few drinks and were getting very roudy and uncontrolable.eventually the husband was kicked out of the pub for continually blowing a voo-vo-zella.The wife carried on drinking and was later also trown out of the pub for blowing a zoo-loo-fella